homework battles problems

Homework battles are common. Here's how to avoid them, according to psychologists and parents.

• Many parents and kids struggle with stress and anxiety over homework.
• Ask your kids whether they want help, but know your limits.
• An education specialist recommends having a routine and space so kids know what to expect.

When Carl Nassar approaches his 14-year-old daughter about homework , he can feel his own anxiety . There's time pressure to get the assignments done before dinner and internal pressure telling him he's a good parent only if he helps her succeed. Before long, Nassar can see his daughter's stress levels skyrocket, too.

"If we approach our kids with this angst, this anxiety — well, you've seen it happen — our kids resist the implied pressure," Nassar, a therapist and dad, said. "When we're out of sorts, our kids get out of sorts."

While there aren't any formal polls about how common homework battles are, a quick survey of parents will likely show you that many families dread after-school study time. Here's how to end the homework battles and ensure that assignments stop ruining evenings in your home.

Get in the right frame of mind

Many parents steel themselves for battle before bringing up homework with their kids. But Nassar recommends the opposite approach.

"Find your calm. Help your child find their calm," he said. "Only then do you talk homework specifics together."

Diagnose the problem

You should identify the biggest roadblock to peaceful homework completion, Tim Urdan , a father and professor of psychology at Santa Clara University, said. Maybe it's time management or procrastination; perhaps it's that your child is easily distracted. When you identify the main problem, you can brainstorm solutions.

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Ask your child what they want

It's possible to be overinvolved in homework, especially with older children and teens, Urdan said. So ask your child whether they want help and which type of help would be best. With that approach, they're more likely to feel empowered, rather than micromanaged.

Know your limits

If you don't have the academic skills or the patience for homework, you may need to find someone else, such as another parent, neighbor, or tutor, to help your child, Urdan said.

While this may seem harsh, it can improve your child's academics. Studies have found that parents can pass on their school-related anxieties to their children as they help with homework, Jessica Mercer Young, a mom of three and psychologist who researches early-childhood education, said. For example, when parents with anxieties about math helped their kids with homework, their children picked up on those anxieties and ultimately learned fewer math skills, Mercer Yong said. There's nothing wrong with knowing when to step back, Urdan said.

Break up the work

Homework can seem overwhelming to kids (and parents), so Urban recommends breaking it into smaller chunks. Have your child work for 20 minutes, then give them a 20-minute break to play, check their phone, or move their bodies. For younger kids, the sessions should be even shorter. The key is to foster a sense of accomplishment and productivity, rather than tedium.

Don't take over

It may be tempting to take over your child's assignments to get them done more quickly. But that can signal to your child that you think they're incapable, Mercer Young said. Instead, ask your child some questions so that they can ultimately figure out the answer to the problem.

Have a routine and set space

Discover the homework routine that works for your family and stick to it, John Bianchette, the vice president of education and training at Mathnasium, said.

"This will help kids know what to expect and be ready, motivated, and focused when homework time rolls around," he said, adding that a designated homework space was important, too.

Stay positive

Keep yourself and your child in the right state of mind by encouraging positive thinking and interrupting any negative thought patterns.

"Those negative thoughts and words can significantly hinder a student's ability to get their homework done," Bianchette said.

If your child says, "I can't do this," Bianchette recommends encouraging them to use a more positive affirmation, such as: "I may not understand this right now, but I am smart and can figure this out."

Remember your role

As a parent, your job isn't to make sure your child does their homework perfectly. It's to de-escalate their stress and make homework feel manageable, Urdan said.

"You are the calming influence trying to help your child build better habits and develop confidence," he said, "so be careful not to make it a more negative experience."

Play the long game

Don't expect changes instantly. Instead, focus on building a healthy approach to homework over time so that, ideally, you can become less and less involved with your child completing their assignments.

"You are building a collaboration with your child to help them develop better homework habits," Urdan said. "Good collaborations take time to develop, so don't give up if the first few attempts don't go well."

Watch: Doctors debunk 16 myths about raising kids

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• March 28, 2023

The Genius of Letting Go of Homework Struggles in Two Remarkable Stories

Let’s just state up front: “homework battles” shouldn’t be a part of family life. First, because the homework isn’t your homework, it’s your child’s . Second, as a parent, you’re not called to a battle with your child. You’re called to be a team!

We know, it’s all too easy to fall into this “homework battles” perspective as you try to help your child to meet school expectations. Instead of you and your child vs. the challenge, it becomes you vs. your child. When that happens, the conflict drains the most important asset you two have: your connection.

That said, you’re not alone. We regularly coach parents through homework struggles and academic underperformance. We’ve also written a fair bit about homework struggles in our book Discipline That Connects and on our blog .

Two families I  coached  (with kids of different ages) saw real transformation with the shifts in mindset they made. These shifts have helped so many parents. For both of these families, homework struggles eased and even ended as kids felt empowered to take more responsibility for their lives, and there was no more “homework battle.”

How did the homework battles end?

Bottom line – quit nagging! If you realize you’ve been in a tug-of-war with your child over homework, drop your end of the rope! You can shift your mindset to one of encouragement and freeing your child for the responsibility that is theirs, not yours.

Story #1: Herding an 8-year-old girl

Julia was exhausted from getting Abby to complete her homework. The stress often dominated and spoiled their weekends together. Especially as fall homework increased, Julia felt like she was increasingly on duty to herd Abby back to the task at hand. They would get into complex bargaining arguments that led to increasing discouragement for both. We discussed it in several coaching sessions, and Julia finally decided to make some significant changes.

Putting her daughter in charge of her homework

Here is what happened when Julia changed her mindset:

I came home from parent coaching with you, and I gave full reins to Abby for her homework. I stated clearly that it was her homework, not mine. I apologized for all my nagging and acknowledged how discouraging that must have been for her.

Now when she says, “Can I take a break?” I tell her, “You can take as many breaks as you want because you’re in charge of making sure your work is done!!” She’s doing quite well, and I feel much better! And the best part is there’s more joy and connection in our relationship again.

Sounds almost too simple, right? No more homework battles because there’s no more battling. Your child may still have homework struggles where they tackle complex or overwhelming challenges and need your encouragement. Or they may need some help doing some problem-solving. Your child owns the problem and enlists you as a resource, so you’re on the same team.  Here’s another example with an older student.

Want more? Listen to this podcast.

Parenting the “middle years” can be extremely challenging. So, what does a child need from their parents during this season, and how do parents guide a child who has sudden new attitudes and opinions? Our podcast, “Practical Ideas For Parenting the Middle Years” could be just what you need to hear today.

Story #2: Nagging a 17-year-old boy

When Tyrell shared his feelings of depression and lack of motivation at school, his parents, John and Candace, kicked it into high gear to help. They monitored his emotional state, assignments, and grades closely. They consistently questioned and reminded Tyrell, thinking they were helping. But tension built. Fortunately, Tyrell was seeing a therapist who helped him put words to his feelings and coached him to talk with his parents. Candace told their story:

Tyrell sat us down and taught us how to parent him better – ha! He respectfully said, “I would like you not to constantly check my portal, remind me of missing assignments, or give frequent advice. Lots of mornings, you even double-team me with reminders. The more you ride me about a missing assignment or something I SHOULD do, the less motivated I am to actually do it!”

Letting their son own his academic challenges

Fortunately, Julia (Abby’s mom) and John and Candace (Tyrell’s parents) have worked hard to stay well connected to their children and be together with them in enjoyable ways. For John and Candace, this connection over the years paved the way for Tyrell to understand and forgive their nagging.

After we apologized to Tyrell, we explained that our dysfunction was motivated by love. He was very understanding, reassured us that he knew this, and said, “I want to get good grades. I’m motivated, and I will ask for help when I need it.”

Since our talk, all three of us have been so much more peaceful and joyful. I personally feel so relieved and have been having so much fun with him. When he decided to look for a job, I only offered my opinion when he asked for it. I asked him questions about what he wanted in a job, listened to his answers without adding my own feedback, and simply sat back and prayed. It was fascinating to see that the less I did, the more he did for himself. He conquered his fears and got a job that was a great match for him. It was so rewarding to watch!

Letting go of homework battles isn’t always smooth sailing

As you can see from these stories, when parents closely monitor schoolwork, it communicates a subtle but powerful message: “You are neither capable nor responsible enough on your own to get the grades that will satisfy me.” This message builds a negative identity for the child and drives a wedge of resentment between parents and kids that can easily spiral into trouble.

Not every teen has a wise mentor to guide him in respectful self-advocacy with his parents. But when parents drop their defenses like John and Candace did, and create safe spaces for kids to express their real feelings, helpful “win-win” conversations about schoolwork or other responsibilities can happen.

Not every 8-year-old will step up to the challenge and use her time wisely like Abby did when Julia empowered her to take responsibility for her homework. But it’s been our experience that the vast majority do pretty well.

And even if the grades are not stellar, kids start learning that their life is their own, not someone else’s to manage.

In what ways do you struggle with your kids over these kinds of issues? How do you want to respond?

Try asking yourself these questions:

• In what ways might my “help” (i.e., nagging, reminding, helicopter parenting) discourage my child with messages that she is not capable and responsible?
• If my child is resistant, sullen, or even disrespectful about my “responsibility reminders,” what might he tell me if he had a wise person to coach him through the discussion with me?
• How could I build a culture of safety in which my child feels free to be honest with me? Try asking a bold question: “What’s helpful or hurtful about how I engage with you regarding your homework/responsibilities?” (or other sensitive issues.)

We want you to have a connected, joy-filled relationship with your child as you communicate the messages of the Connected Families Framework related to homework:

• You are emotionally safe with me because I’m going to set aside my anxiety about your school performance as I let God’s peace rule in my heart.
• You are loved no matter what grades you get!
• You are capable of navigating challenges and asking for help if you need it.
• You are ultimately responsible for your life!

Colossians 3:15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts since, as members of one body, you were called to peace.

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Lynne Jackson

Ending Homework Battles

Children naturally resist homework to one degree or another..

Posted October 10, 2018

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Dad walks by his 14-year-old daughter Sophie’s room and sees that she is talking on the phone. He is enraged. It is 8:30 P.M. and she has not started her homework. Dad yells at her, "Get off the phone.” She screams back, “Later,” and the daily battle has begun. Threats fly, tears flow and doors slam.

This is not an unusual story. Children naturally resist homework to one degree or another. After a long day of concentrating at school, coping with pop quizzes and other stresses, and participating in soccer, ballet or football, most kids feel tired and would rather call a friend or play a game. Furthermore, many kids experience homework as being forced upon them by their parents and feel angry and resentful.

In the situation above, like most parents, Dad’s expectations are high. He loves his daughter and worries that if Sophie does not do her homework, she might fail in school. He believes that it is his job to prevent this from happening. If his own parents handled a similar situation by screaming at him, he may unconsciously be repeating the same approach with Sophie.

Other issues from a parent's past can come into play and intensify these conflicts. If this father took school very seriously, and it was an area of life in which he succeeded, he may feel enraged that Sophie is not relating to her work in the same way. He may become equally distraught if he failed miserably in school and wants desperately for his daughter to do better.

As we can see, homework is ripe for parent/child battles and must be managed carefully.

An important goal for parents is to communicate respectfully with their child, stress the importance of homework, and provide the needed guidance and support the child requires. Here are some steps a parent can take to end homework battles:

Stay calm. If your child is resisting doing his homework, and you feel a scream coming on, take some deep breaths, count to 10, or walk out of the room for a few minutes. If you start to fight, both you and your child will get upset, your child will co-operate less and may even feel too stressed to work. It’s better to approach your child supportively and make this a fact-finding and teaching moment.

Talk, don’t yell. Set a limit in a positive way. Dad might simply point to his watch or tell his daughter the facts in a straightforward way, for instance, “It’s 8:15 and you need to start your homework.” She’ll feel more respected and ready to cooperate. Always keep in mind that in the final analysis your child’s self-esteem and your relationship are more important than the homework.

Go over the rules. Having helpful rules in place, such as, homework is done right after school, or there are no phone conversations until you finish your homework, is more effective than relitigating the issues each day. Some parents help their child prepare a weekly schedule at the beginning of the school year and include some allotted time to speak with friends or play games.

Explain the reason for homework. Stress that homework is required by the teacher, that it has positive value, and it is part of every student’s responsibility. You might tell him that the goal of homework is for kids to review the material that was covered in class so it will be absorbed better. It also helps children to develop organizational, time management , and problem-solving skills, so they can function well in life. This comprehension will diminish the perception that you are forcing the work upon him and will make him less combative. If children understand at an early age that homework is an important part of their job, it is more likely to become part of the daily routine.

Acknowledge her feelings. If your child is resisting her work and says, “I hate homework” or “I don’t want to do it,” accept and acknowledge her emotions. You might say, for instance, “I know it’s hard for you to do work after school. You’ve worked hard all day and you’d rather relax.” (She still will need to do it, of course.) If you fight her feelings she will become angry, and resist you. When your child becomes overwhelmed by a task, and panics or becomes tearful, tell her, “I can see this work is hard for you,” and reassure her that she will be able to work it through. When possible try not to jump in to solve a problem but guide her by discussing possible solutions. When you are understanding, she will be more likely to calm down and do her work. Sensitivity, flexibility, and compromise tend to be the most effective approaches.

Open up a dialogue. In the scenario above, Dad needs to ask Sophie why she did not start her homework, and then listen attentively to her explanation. Maybe her friend had called about a problem, and Sophie was trying to support her. Then, Dad could help her to think through better solutions. For instance she might tell her friend, “I’ll talk to you for a few minutes now, and call you back when I’m done with my homework.”

If your child resists homework every night, explore all the possible causes of the problem. Are there any physical problems that are interfering with the task? Is he getting enough sleep? Is he tired because he is overscheduled with too many activities? Determine if your child is avoiding his homework because he doesn’t understand the work and needs help. If you cannot provide the assistance, find a family member who can or arrange for a tutor. A high school student might be able to work effectively with your child at a lower cost. Often, an objective person is a good idea to help you end daily homework battles, in any case.

Examine whether your child is having any emotional problems at school. Maybe your child isn’t getting along with her teacher or is dealing with some tough social issues such as bullying or cliques. If this is the case, you might consider seeking help from a school counselor or a mental health professional outside of school.

To cover every base, make sure to examine your family situation. Is it possible that your child feels that her sibling gets a great deal of praise as the “genius” of the family and she feels that she cannot compete? Maybe the new baby in your home is capturing most of your attention . Perhaps you have gotten busier at work and are less available. Sometimes a child can drag out the homework or engage in battles to keep your focus on her. To a child negative attention is often better than none.

Examine your role. Some well-intentioned parents become overly involved in their child’s work and take over responsibility for the homework. This approach communicates to the child that he should rely upon the parent and that the parent might not believe the child is capable of accomplishing the work on his own. Before you know it, the child will develop the maddening pattern of being unable to start his work on his own. He is used to the parent jump-starting the process. If you micromanage your child’s homework, he will not learn the skills he needs to do it independently.

It will help if you avoid sitting next to your child or standing over her as she does her work. Many battles begin over the child’s natural dawdling, such as dropping pencils or sitting upside down in her chair, and if you witness such behavior you are very likely to get upset. Children have a hard time sitting still and will need to do their dance to release tension. If you watch her too closely doing her homework, you might also observe her mistakes and be inclined to correct her. Your child needs to go through her own trial-and-error process to solve problems and might arrive at the right answer by herself if she perseveres. If you critique her too much, it can make her feel insecure, and she might conclude that you know the answers better than she does and cause her to become more reliant on you. You also do not want to communicate that only perfection will do. She may be afraid to try and resist her work.

Self-analysis. It is crucial for parents to examine their early experiences with school and homework, and change their approach if any underlying patterns are adding to the stress in the parent/child relationship. For instance, if Dad recognizes that his own father was a screamer, he might take a step back, remember how badly this made him feel, and try to approach the situation more calmly.

Teach your child skills. If your child has an upcoming project that is overwhelming him, you might help him break down the tasks, prioritize the steps, and set up a schedule so it will not be a rushed job at the end. It’s also helpful to teach your child some relaxation skills to use when he becomes tense, such as deep breathing or taking a short walk.

Your job as a parent is to take an interest in your child’s work, be supportive and encouraging, and help your child learn the skills she needs. Most of all, you want her to grow up feeling self-confident, independent, and capable of handling life’s challenges on her own.

Meri Wallace, LCSW , is a parenting expert and child and family therapist.

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Homework Battles: When Parent Help Negatively Affects Students

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Homework has become as much work for parents as it is for kids in many families when parents slog through assignments together with their kids every night. They see it as part of their parental duty to help their children. But when it comes to assisting kids with challenging subjects or an unfamiliar way of learning -- like the new Common Core math standards and homework that requires approaches very different from those learned in previous generations -- frustration that builds from struggling over the homework can foster anxiety.

A study conducted by researchers at the Human Performance Lab at the University of Chicago has found that if parents have high levels of math anxiety and give a lot of homework help (more than two to three times a week), they can have a negative impact on their child’s math achievement and increase their child’s math anxiety.

“This is one of the first studies to look at how math anxiety is produced,” said Erin Maloney, lead author on the study. Researchers have already established that a teacher’s math anxiety negatively affects student performance over the course of the year and leads female students to endorse negative stereotypes about girls’ math abilities. For this study, Maloney and her co-authors Gerardo Ramirez, Elizabeth A. Gunderson, Susan C. Levine and Sian L. Beilock statistically controlled for teachers' math anxiety and content knowledge, along with the socioeconomic status of the children.

“Kids as young as first grade really do report high anxiety about math and that anxiety is linked to their math achievement,” Maloney said. The study found a caregiver’s math anxiety negatively impacted both male and female children equally. And, the effects were bigger the more anxious a parent was and the more often they helped with homework. While not a study of female caregivers in particular, 89 percent of primary caregivers in this study were women.

The study was done with a large sample size of children in first and second grade that was designed to be representative of the Illinois state population. Students in the study completed tests measuring math, reading and math anxiety in the first 12 weeks of school. They were tested again in the last 8 weeks of school. Parents were given a 25-question survey that asked questions about how they feel in various real-world situations requiring math, like tipping at a restaurant.

“When parents are really high in math anxiety, their children, both boys and girls, learn less math over the school year and become more anxious over the school year,” Maloney said, but only in cases where the primary care provider helped with homework frequently.

The effects of math anxiety on achievement are well documented. Stanford researchers did brain scans of children solving math problems. In math-anxious children, the part of the brain tasked with handling negative emotions was overactive, whereas the math problem solving parts of the brain were diminished. The children’s fear was interfering with their ability to use problem solving skills.

Sian Beilock and her colleagues at the Human Performance Lab posited that math anxiety was taking up students’ working memory, impeding their ability to succeed on tests. They asked students to write about their math anxiety before a test . By offloading those negative emotions first, the intervention has produced encouraging results in the classroom.

But what are parents to do with this new information?

“It’s really not enough for us as educators to just say ‘get involved,’” Maloney said. She believes researchers and educators need to develop better tools for parents to understand the math their children are working on so they can help appropriately. Unfamiliar teaching methods heighten the math anxiety that’s already found in many American adults.

Practical Tips For Ending The Homework Battle (For Good!)

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Inside: Stop the tantrums and tears of frustration for your child. Conquer the homework battle at home with these prevention and handling tips.

Tips For Ending The Homework Battle (For Good!)

At some point or other, it’s going to happen: the battle over homework. Kids will throw tantrums , lie about having homework, or sit there and refuse to even pick up a pencil. This is one of the most difficult things for parents, and the homework battle often feels like a losing one.

While you don’t want them to hate school and learning, homework is an important part of their education. But fighting over getting homework done is not worth the time and won’t get you anywhere. You can end the homework battle for good with these tips on avoiding and handling issues over a stubborn kid and homework!

How to Prevent Homework Meltdowns

Before you can work at solving the battle over homework mid-fight, it’s a good idea to learn how you can prevent it from happening in the first place.

Set up a homework routine

One of the most helpful ways to prevent homework battles is by implementing homework as a regular part of the day. The idea here is to shift the mindset that homework is a pain that interrupts the day into it being a normal, everyday thing they need to tick off the to-do list.

The second they get home, many kids believe that it’s time to relax and have free time. This makes them more likely to fight when you tell them they have things to do, like chores or homework. But when they know that homework is a part of every day and occurs at the same time of day, they have no reason to fight it.

Begin implementing a homework routine when things are calm rather than during a homework battle. This helps you get in the legwork beforehand. Write out the exact schedule and put it where everyone can see it, so they know when to expect homework time.

Your kids should still have quiet time even if they have no homework. You don’t want to interrupt the routine and system. During quiet time, rule out the use of any electronics or phones. Instead, your child can use this to study, read, or work on their hobbies.

Implement this routine when they’re very young. While first graders may not have homework, they can still have quiet time. They’ll understand that it’s an important and regular part of the day. This transitions perfectly to homework time when they get older!

Set up the right homework station

Your child needs a quiet environment to get things done. During this time, the whole house needs to respect that it’s homework time. This means no vacuuming, loud music, or video games to distract the child from their work.

Homework should be done in a public space in the house. This ensures you can keep an eye on them and away from any distractions. Homework should not be done in their bedroom, so they don’t get distracted. This also creates a mind shift from relaxing time to working time.

You shouldn’t work in the same place you sleep.

Be in the know

As a parent, getting to know the teachers and all the assignments is a good idea. Make a good relationship with their teachers at the beginning of the school year and keep in touch with them regularly.

This makes a huge difference if your child ends up having any issues. You can ask them to send you overdue assignments or be in quick contact if your child is struggling. Alongside the teacher, you can work to get things done.

Also, work with your child to keep track of assignments. Write them down in a list and their due dates. This also allows you to keep track of big projects they can work on a little bit daily to avoid any time crunches.

How to Win the Homework Battle

While prevention is key, you must also know how to tackle the homework tantrums when you’re in the thick of it. Try these tips to help get a hold of the situation once again.

Sunday night is a school night

One surefire way to get a groan or a homework meltdown is by making your kids do homework on a Friday night. The kickoff to the weekend, they’re excited for some fun and free time from school as soon as they get home on Friday. Let them be kids and never force them to stay in so they can do their homework.

Instead, make Sunday night a homework night. This way, they can have fun during the weekend but wind down and finish things just in time for the next school week.

However, the weekend shouldn’t begin until all overdue assignments are out of the way. This is one of the most effective consequences of getting things done for ultra-stubborn kids. The first time you’ll surely be met with a homework tantrum but stick to your guns.

The next time, they’ll be much more likely to do their homework ahead of the weekend and be tantrum-free.

Reward them for schoolwork

Sometimes a little reward can get kids to finally sit down and finish their homework. The goal here is to only reinforce positive behavior. It should be a good incentive to get good grades. Always hold the power and determine the reward yourself, no negotiating. Surprise them with a reward when they do well rather than promise it to them beforehand!

Keep in mind there’s a big difference between bribing and rewarding your children. A bribe comes from negotiating beforehand, while a reward happens after it’s done. You can’t rely on bribes as they will begin to expect something every time. They will learn that they can get things they want by putting up a fight and then negotiating. Bribes reinforce bad behavior.

Real consequences

Don’t just point your finger and say words you’ll never commit to. Instead, come up with effective consequences that will happen if they refuse to do their homework. For example, “If you don’t finish your homework, you won’t get to use any electronics for the night.”

This forces the child to problem-solve on their own. They then need to figure out how they can get what they want. And if homework is in the way of that, well, it needs to get done! You set them up with what needs to happen and remain in control.

Short consequences work best. They’re more likely to smarten up quickly rather than hold onto instant resentment or anger.

Don’t do their homework for them

As parents, we want to protect them from everything possible. It’s natural to want to see your children succeed! But it becomes a disservice to our children if we do everything for them. They never learn how to truly be independent and get things done on their own.

Watching your child ignore their responsibilities by avoiding their homework can be beyond frustrating. You’ll want to jump in and save the day so they won’t fail. But sometimes, they need to see what happens if they don’t do their homework. Once that bad grade or the consequences of failing come in, they’ll have more motivation on their own.

This doesn’t mean you can’t help them. You can guide the child and make suggestions. Sit with them and help them through the homework, but remember it’s THEIR assignment.

When helping, never use a negative tone or begin arguments over who is right and the best way to do things. You want them to think that you believe in them…which you do! Avoid any type of condescending tone so they never feel less than or a failure.

Refuse to argue

If you’re reading this, the homework battle has worked its way up to tears, tantrums , and frustrations on either end of the battle. It’s so hard not to get worked up and give in to the arguing bait, but staying calm is of the utmost importance.

Be very straightforward in how you talk so there’s no room for discussion. For example, “It’s now homework time. Once you’re done with the math assignment, you can have free time again.”

Try to say it in a supportive way. Ask if they need help or if there’s anything you can do for them. End it by saying the reward for finishing the assignment. AKA, the quicker they’re done, the sooner they can return to fun and free time.

If they refuse and don’t want to cooperate, tell them the consequence of what will happen when they don’t finish their homework. Avoid talking to them about the importance of getting good grades. Chances are, the child won’t care, it’s not on their radar, or they just won’t understand.

If you do feel your own emotions rising , walk away. It’s always better to step away rather than engage in the argument. Take a break and return to the matter once you’ve cooled down.

When every night results in homework tantrums, quit the homework battle for a while. Things need a major change, and it may be time to let it rest between teacher and student while you regroup. This is also part of letting them fail and find out the consequences of their actions on their own.

Consider learning disabilities

There could be a larger reason at hand as to why your child currently struggles to do their homework. While this shouldn’t be the first and initial thought when they begin to struggle, it should be considered after trying other tactics to no avail.

There’s a big difference between working on some difficult homework and struggling. To gauge this, talk to the teacher and see if it’s normal to have these difficulties.

While it may be concerning or difficult to hear your child has a learning disability, supporting them and finding better solutions is important. It will lead to success for your child!

Additional Helpful School & Homework Resources:

Make a homework chart to keep your child on track.

• Tips For Creating A Homework Routine For Your Child
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I’m Sick of Nightly Homework Battles—With My Husband

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group .

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have four children, one toddler and three in school. My husband spent his young adulthood in therapy, healing and learning the skills he knew he’d need in parenthood to not repeat the bad patterns of his own childhood (through which he suffered abuse at the hands of his father), and he is a wonderful and engaged father. The one problem is that he refuses to be involved in homework, because of trauma from his father specifically around homework battles.

I don’t disbelieve him in the least. I believe him when he tells me that nightly homework was traumatic for him. And he does take care of our toddler and other chores while I manage homework time. The thing is, homework is beyond exhausting for me. Frankly, every night is a battle with my older children. I don’t think the amount of homework they’re assigned is unreasonable at all (our school has a policy for what and how much the teachers may assign). The kids are fully capable of completing their work in less time than they spend complaining about having to do it. And I am not doing it for them—my involvement is literally just getting them to do it. But because they fight me on it, it’s a misery, one that’s repeated every evening. It’s nice that my husband handles other things, but you know what? Sometimes I want to handle those other things and get a break from the homework war. Even just once or twice a week! But this is the one thing he straight-up refuses to do. He has worked through everything else that triggered him, but somehow this one thing eludes him. And he doesn’t want to go back to therapy just for this. I don’t want to discount his trauma, but I’m getting very frustrated by his refusal to even occasionally take this one dreaded task off my plate.

—Hamstrung Homework Helper

Dear Hamstrung,

Since the two options you’re offering me are both pretty miserable—that you continue to suffer through the nightly homework wars, which you find debilitating (and for which you are beginning to resent your husband, though you wish you didn’t, because you love him and empathize with him and he’s doing his fair share of the overall work) or that your husband participate in a triggering ritual that will be very painful for him—I think maybe we need to take a step back and look at this dilemma in a new light.

What if you stopped fighting with the kids about doing their homework? What if instead of either one of you badgering them to get it done, you stepped away from the whole shebang and told them, “If you don’t do your homework, you’ll have to live with the consequences at school”?

If the idea of this appalls you—if you’re sure none of your kids will ever do their homework again—I suggest you sit with this thought for a while: their homework is their responsibility. They will learn quickly what the consequences are of not turning it in. This is a case where “natural consequences” will go a long way toward solving an ongoing problem. (And yes, there may be some dismal grades along the way. Their grades, not yours. This will provide some useful life lessons—for both them and you.) Since they will eventually have to learn to handle work assigned to them without your involvement, you can kill two birds with one stone right now.

Want Advice From Care and Feeding?

Submit your questions about parenting and family life here . It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

My daughter “Izzy” and my niece “Mia” are best friends. They’re both in fourth grade and they look quite similar, with minor differences, which they are always pointing out. They’re both blond, but Izzy has wavier hair. They both wear glasses, but Izzy is farsighted and Mia is nearsighted. Mia is quite outspoken and bold, while Izzy is timid and shy. That sort of thing.  They used to be in a small private school together, but both my sister and I agreed that the school atmosphere was changing for the worse, and so we enrolled them in the local public school. They’re in the same class.

It has recently come to my attention that Izzy and Mia have introduced themselves as twins to the other kids in the class and their teacher. I first became aware of it only when Mia got in trouble in class, and I got the email about it, not my sister. But I really found out when I asked Izzy an unrelated question, and she broke down crying about how she was disrespecting Mia’s older brothers, who actually are twins, by pretending to be twins with Mia at school. I’ve checked with the twins, and they not only don’t care at all (they thought it was funny), but they love Izzy to death and feel bad that she’s upset. I’ve told my sister about it, and, like her sons, she doesn’t care and thinks it’s just a harmless prank. My husband and I agree that it isn’t a huge deal, but something about catching these kids lying and not doing anything about it makes us feel weird. Also, if their teacher thinks they have the same parents, it might lead to confusion in the future. While their antics made Izzy feel guilty, she has since told me that she’s having fun and doesn’t want to stop. We plan on reaching out to their teacher and letting him know that the children are cousins, not twins (though I thought that would be obvious from the way the school set up which phone numbers and emails to use for which kids!). The question is: do we tell them to stop lying to their classmates, too?

Letting the teacher know that the kids are cousins is a fine idea (and you’re right: he should have been more attentive to the information he has available to him—but teachers are overworked and underpaid, so cut him some slack, and remind him these girls only enjoy pretending to be twin sisters). If the teacher wants to disseminate this in his classroom, that’s his business. But I don’t think you ought to make a big deal out of this, either at home or by demanding that they come clean. There’s a difference between lying and pretending that’s worth noting. The only part of this that gives me pause is Izzy’s tears over her fear that she’s being disrespectful to Mia’s brothers. If I were you, I’d talk to her some more about this (don’t let it rest with that “I don’t know” she offered you). Does she really think she’s being “disrespectful”? Or was that the only explanation she could summon up to explain her tears to you? Is she going along with Mia reluctantly? It’s worth finding out—because playing pretend is no fun if you feel you’re being coerced into it.

In other words, if there’s a problem here that needs to be addressed, it’s not the one you’re asking me about. See if you can find out exactly what’s on Izzy’s mind, OK?

Slate Plus Members  Get More Advice  From Michelle Herman Each Week

From this week’s letter,  I Just Discovered an Explosive Family Secret : “ I’m completely gobsmacked, as well as heartbroken, that I have gone almost half my life without knowing these family members! ”

My ex-wife, “Beth,” and I co-parent our daughter, “Abby,” a 14-year-old high school freshman. Beth’s wife has a son, “Tim,” who’s also a freshman and lives with them full-time, and I have a 5-year-old daughter from my second marriage (I am now a widower; my wife died of Covid). Abby and Tim are both introverts, and Abby has withdrawn a lot over the last couple of years—lockdown, her stepmother’s death, ongoing pandemic issues—and Tim became her only friend. Beth and I don’t interact much other than making decisions about Abby, and I barely know her wife, but Tim is at my house often and I know him quite well.

Since starting high school, Abby and Tim have been able to expand their social circle beyond just each other. They have a few friends from the D&D club. One of these friends asked Abby to be his date at the school’s autumn dance, and Abby was very excited. Beth bought her a dress, and Abby wanted to wear makeup. The dance was on a day that Abby was with me, so she got ready at my house. Her stepmother had taught her the basics of doing makeup, but she wanted to “get it right,” and watched some videos online and bought some new makeup for the occasion. She looked very nice. Her date came to our house, I drove the two of them to school, and everything was fine.

A few days later, Beth called me, furious. Apparently, Beth had told Abby that she wasn’t allowed to wear a full face of makeup until she was 18. I didn’t know that. She’s also mad that Abby bought such expensive makeup, even though Abby bought this with her own money. I can handle her being angry with me. But she is punishing Abby for getting around her rules by taking away her phone and internet access (minus what she needs for school) for three weeks. I think this is excessive, especially since Abby is already feeling the natural consequences of spending almost two years’ worth of money saved from babysitting to fix a problem that didn’t need fixing.

Abby is finally making friends, and this punishment will isolate her from her new friends. Now Abby wants to apply to a teen program at the local science museum, which is pricey, and Beth refuses to discuss it with me unless I agree to have one of the weeks of Abby’s punishment be at my house. I don’t want to execute this excessive punishment, but I also don’t want to sign Abby up for the program behind Beth’s back and pay for it all myself. Abby is a rule-follower and Beth has never been this strict or unreasonable. This is the first major disagreement we’ve had since our divorce 10 years ago, and I am unsure how to navigate it.

—Clueless about Makeup

Dear Clueless,

I certainly don’t think you should sign Abby up for a program behind Beth’s back (I don’t think you should do anything behind her back), and while I’m sympathetic to your feeling uncomfortable enforcing a punishment you disagree with (I’d hate that too!), I think you need to do it anyway. It’s hard enough on a kid to live in two households with two different sets of expectations; I think the least you (both of you!—you and Beth) can do is respect each other’s decisions in regard to your child, even if you don’t agree with all of them. It’s unfortunate that Beth didn’t let you know her rule about makeup—but it was sneaky of Abby to take advantage of that when she was at your house (I think that’s what Beth is most aggrieved about, and is what she’s really punishing her for).

If I were you, I’d be honest with Abby about how unhappy you are about having to punish her, letting her know that you have to do it—and that, even if this punishment is harsh, her skirting around Beth’s rules is what led to it. And then grit your teeth and live with it. It’s only a week. (I might add that I think Beth knows very well how much you’re going to hate that week, and that she’s punishing you too, for your part in makeupgate. Next time, maybe, ask more questions.)

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

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My husband has Huntington’s and is progressively becoming sicker. He watched his father suffer from the same disease, and his only memories of him are from when he was hospitalized and dying. He doesn’t want the same for our son, who is 5, and has asked that once he is hospitalized I not bring our son to see him. Although I want to support however he wants to deal with his illness, and I recognize that he has had the experience himself and only wants to protect our son, it seems to me cruel to refuse to allow his son to see him for what could be months of his life. There is no way to make the death of a parent not traumatizing, and I believe that ultimately it will be better for both my son and my husband if they’re together as the end approaches. What should we do?

—Love at the End of Life

I am so, so sorry to hear about your husband’s illness. Please keep talking to him as the days and weeks (and months, I hope) pass. I don’t mean harangue him, of course. I mean: bring it up again, as gently and as lovingly as you can. Tell him how you feel. Be completely honest with him. But if he shuts this down—if he tells you flatly that his decision is immutable—you need to let this go. Once you’ve made it clear to him how important to your son you believe it is for him to be able to see his father for as long as he lives, he gets to make the call on it. And if he simply refuses to discuss it any further, I think you need to graciously withdraw. When your son is older, you can tell him why he was not allowed to see his father in this hospital—that it was for his own sake. (One final note: please do not tell your husband that you believe it will be better for him if his son is allowed to visit. He is the best judge of that. He may be gravely ill, but he should not be treated as if he is incapable of making good decisions on his own behalf.)

More Advice From Slate

My husband and I had a lovely baby girl this summer. She has different hair and eye color than we do, but otherwise looks very much like our child. She does have one fairly distinct feature that we don’t share: the shape of her eyes. We have now gotten multiple comments about her “insert racist comment here” eyes.  How should I respond?

Homework battles: What really matters

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Homework. It’s a source of battles in many families. But does it have to be? How can we approach homework so that it doesn’t cause so much stress for our kids — and ourselves? 

In this episode, hosts Rachel Bozek and Gretchen Vierstra talk all things homework with special education teacher Shira Moskovitz. Hear Shira bust common homework myths, like why the best time to do homework isn’t always right after school. And why it’s OK if your child’s homework station is a bit messy. Plus, get tips on how to give kids homework support while fostering their independence. 

Related resources 

FAQs about homework for kids

6 steps for breaking down assignments

Episode transcript

Gretchen: From the Understood Podcast Network, this is "In It," a podcast about the ins and outs...

Rachel: ...the ups and downs...

Gretchen: ...of supporting kids who learn and think differently. I'm Gretchen Vierstra, a former classroom teacher and an editor here at Understood.

Rachel: And I'm Rachel Bozek, a writer and editor raising two kids with ADHD. Today we're talking about homework.

Gretchen: Oh, homework. It's the source of many afterschool battles in my household. And I know I'm not alone here.

Rachel: No, you're not. So what can we do to make homework time more productive and less of a struggle?

Gretchen: To answer this, we're delighted to be talking today with Shira Moskovitz.

Rachel: Shira is a special education teacher in New York City, with expertise in technology and dyslexia.

Gretchen: Shira, welcome to "In It."

Shira: Thank you.

Gretchen: So homework. I'm guessing as a fifth-grade teacher, this is something some of your students struggle with.

Shira: Most definitely.

Gretchen: Oh, most definitely. OK. So what do you hear from your parents and caregivers who come to you with questions or concerns about homework? What are their main concerns?

Shira: I think that most parents are worried that if they don't get it all done, a catastrophe will happen. And I think my biggest perspective as a teacher is to debunk that myth. There is no catastrophe.

Gretchen: There is no catastrophe. Great.

Rachel: So what would you say are the overarching issues that get in the way of kids doing their homework? I mean, if you can just lay out kind of the top few that come to mind, and then we can tackle them one at a time or however it works for you.

Shira: Sure. Well, I'll start with probably the biggest one that applies to every child is that they are tired after a long day of school. And they come home and there's more work. That's the biggest issue.

The second issue, maybe they didn't understand the skill exactly in class, or they don't totally understand the instructions. So they come home and there's an adult at home and they say, "Help me with this." With what? Not exactly sure. I don't totally get it. I need help. And if the child is struggling, the parent is definitely going to be struggling, because the parent wasn't with me in class.

Gretchen: Mm hmm. So we have a few areas we love to tackle when it comes to homework challenges. And I'm going to start with the first one that we mentioned already, which is that hurdle of getting kids to actually sit down, maybe not sit down, but do their homework, right? Especially after that long day of school when they're tired and maybe they went straight from school to other activities. And so now it's even later and they're hungry. You know, especially kids who have trouble focusing. Kids with ADHD might have a hard time getting going on this. So what is the advice that you tend to give students and families about the first hurdle: getting on the homework?

Shira: Definitely. So I would say kind of like what you said is that it's not necessarily that they need to sit down. A lot of parents talk about setting up a homework space, and that is definitely something that you want to do with your child. But make sure it's a space that your child is comfortable with. Your child should be driving that decision of where homework is done, what materials they use. At the end of the day, if they're lying down on the floor or they're sitting on a cozy cushion and they feel more comfortable that way, or they're standing and they can get their work done, that's what's best. So ask them. Let them make that choice of where's the best place to do their homework.

The other thing is really helpful is consistency. So having that consistent space and that consistent time. If I know from this time to this time I'm doing homework, my expectation becomes part of this routine. So setting up a set space and a set time, even if it's not the most conventional space or not the most conventional materials, whatever your child feels most comfortable with, that'll be the — produce the best homework results.

Gretchen: So what about the most conventional time? Because I know, you know, when I was a classroom teacher, families were like, well, I want them to get it done right away so that I know we have dinner, that we get ready to bed and it's over. But not all kids want to do it right away.

Shira: I definitely agree. And I think that as a child, I didn't want to do it right away. And there's two things I want to address there. One is basic needs being met. If your child is hungry, they are not going to do homework. I know that if I'm hungry, I'm not going to be productive. So maybe it's not a full dinner, maybe it's a snack. Maybe that's part of their homework space is that there's a snack there. And if that's what your child needs, that's OK.

And other than that, knowing that if your child does best with homework after dinner or after a shower, that's OK. The homework still gets done. And if you create that routine for them with that expectation that, OK, we're going to eat dinner and then do our homework, or going to eat dinner, change, shower, and then do homework, whatever that may be. As long as they know that that's going to happen Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, they'll be ready for that.

Gretchen: Rachel, I know you had a perspective on time, right?

Rachel: I do. And my question — I'll give you a spoiler alert — is about getting your homework done in the morning. And one scenario that I've seen in my own house is if there's an activity like right after school or within an hour or so of getting home from school, there's not really time to make homework happen in a, you know, kind of calm the way it should be done way. But then at the same time, if they come home from, you know, softball practice or basketball practice or something and then go straight into dinner, then they're tired and like kind of done.

And for me, I'm sometimes for myself after like a full day of work or sitting at my computer, if I need to like take care of something else, I'm like, you know what? I'm going to do that first thing in the morning. So when my daughter, who's in fourth grade, is like, "I'm going to do my homework in the morning," I'm kind of like, "Yeah, I get it." What do you think about that? Because mornings are not always really set up for getting homework done. But also like sometimes her brain is in a better place to do it at that time.

Shira: Right. I want to challenge what you said that mornings aren't set up to do homework. They would be set up if you made it set up. If that's your routine, if mornings are the best for you, why is that not the best time to do homework? It very well could be with a nice, you know, you know, you could have your cereal and homework, especially when some of the homework is a little more passive, like reading a chapter from a book. There's no reason you can't do that with breakfast. You most definitely can.

Gretchen: What do you think, Rachel?

Rachel: I like it. I like it. I think the answer to my own question there is getting everybody up earlier, but maybe that is the answer.

Shira: I definitely think it takes some flexibility on the parent's part, but also knowing each individual kid. Maybe one child needs homework in the evenings and one child needs homework in the mornings, and that is a lot of extra work for us. But if it's a pressure point at home, setting up differentiated routines for our different children is something we're doing anyway in other areas of life. And homework can just be one of those things.

Rachel: OK. So we've talked about when and how to get our kids to actually sit down and do their homework. But once you get over that hurdle, what do you do about a kid whose tendency is to just rush to get it over with as fast as they possibly can?

Shira: I think this happens more when children have a lot of homework to do. That's a big reaction — I have seven assignments to do tonight, so I'm going to try to get through them as quickly as possible because TV is waiting. My friend is waiting. Dinner's waiting, whatever it may be.

I definitely recommend framing at home. The emotions around homework in general are very tense — and often very tense for the parents as well. So if we frame homework for our children in a way that it's not a race to the finish line. There's not this pressure to get everything done, but just to practice the skills you learned at school that day. Our perspective is different. Our child's perspective is different. Hopefully the quality is different, even if they don't get through every single math problem. They do three and they do them really well. At the end of the day, they practice that skill more than rushing through 17 problems or whatever it may be.

Gretchen: That makes total sense. I love the framing idea. Let's say that we've, you know, set up this tone that, you know, while we want you to practice your skills and if you're not going to get through all of them, that's fine. But you'll need to at least, you know, accomplish like maybe three or focus on this for 10 minutes. Are we supposed to hover and make sure they get that done? Or what are we supposed to do as parents in that situation?

Shira: I would really say ultimately it depends on the child. But no, the goal is independence. This is not your homework. I always tell my students, "Your mom and dad went to fifth grade already. I know they know this stuff."

So I ask parents to be as hands-off as possible in this situation. If you know your child is not yet independent and they do need more frequent check-ins, then do that for them. But I would explain to them the goal is "I'm checking in because I know this is hard for you, and this is something that we've discussed is a way that will help you. But one day the goal is that you can do this on your own."

But check-ins are only one way to make sure that they're getting done. You can also do things that help foster independence, like having them set a timer for themselves. And they say, "OK, in those 10 minutes, I'm going to get through two problems," and then they have to self-reflect after the 10-minute timer rings. Now, granted, does that take a certain level of independence when the timer rings to reflect on that goal? Yes. But maybe that's something that the first couple of times you can do with them and then they can do on their own.

Rachel: I have a question on the organization front — or really the disorganization front. You know, sometimes for us in my house, the biggest hurdle to getting the homework going is the organization factor. You know, it starts with like, "Hey, how much homework do you have?" Or "Do you have homework?" And it's like, "No, I don't." Or "I just have this one quick thing." And then later you find out that it's actually like not one thing and they're not quick things. But regardless of how much there is, sometimes it's also just like, where's your pencil? You know, like the most basic thing leads to, like, the meltdown. And I mean, do you have any suggestions for just being set up, especially if they're not doing the work in a conventional workspace? Like if we're at the kitchen table or we're, you know, kind of just somewhere else in the house besides a desk — that "having it all together" piece of it.

Shira: Yes. So I think this is another thing that you want to let your child drive. My favorite activity is going to Dollar Tree and letting my child pick out the pens and pencils and highlighters and the caddy, because that's for me, the conventional learning space is not going to work for homework, you know. So if you have a caddy and it sits on the floor, or if you've a lap desk with materials, and if your child owns that, this is mine. I picked out my Superman pencils. You want all those different pencils to go back in the container at the end of the night because you want them there tomorrow.

Will it solve everything? No. Because that still comes down to organization at school, which as a parent can be frustrating, but you can't really control. Because if there is no system in place or the system in place doesn't work for your child, yeah, you're not going to know. But that's a conversation you can have with your teacher. "Hey, you know, my child struggles with knowing the homework. What are some tools we can set up so that my child comes home with an agenda or with a list" — whatever that may be that works for your child. And it's OK to ask for that type of thing, even if it's not what works for the rest of the class, so that you do come home with the most positive potential outcome.

Rachel: I think that the caddy suggestion is actually really great because who doesn't love a good caddy for their markers and pens and pencils? And, you know, one thing that came to mind as you were talking about that, though, was the executive function piece, right? So what I've seen is we'll get, you know, the most kind of amazing setup for that kind of thing. And then it's still like everything's on the floor next to it. And so, you know, maybe that's just, you know, the executive function, you know, challenges for some kids, I think, will still probably come into play. But I think it is a great start for them to have something like that to work with so they can kind of carry it around.

Shira: Right. I think that if you're talking about executive function, really, is it a problem if all the materials are on the floor or does it just look messy so it bothers us? I would say that if their zone of doing homework includes papers and pencils on the floor next to them, maybe that's their done pile. As long as it gets put away at the end, that's OK.

Rachel: I like it.

Shira: Teaching into, you know, where to get your materials, how to put them away at the end. What it looks like in the middle may look like a mess to us. And if that's what works best for our child, that's the best mess that they can have.

Rachel: That's great. Done pile. I need that.

Gretchen: You know, speaking of executive function, let's talk a little bit about time management. I know that sometimes kids may look at an assignment and it's overwhelming, right? And they don't know — they think it might take too long or too little time or they don't plan for it. And I know lots of teachers recommend chunking assignments, breaking it down. Can you maybe talk to us about how you help kids manage their time when it comes to assignments at home?

Shira: Yes. And that's actually the first thing I wanted to say is that I wouldn't ask parents to chunk an assignment for a child if they don't totally know the background of the assignment. So let's say we do have a bigger project for a whole end-of-unit assignment. And if you're a parent in that situation and this seems overwhelming to your child and you're not sure, don't feel that pressure to come up with a timeline on your own. Reach out to the teacher. Because what I do is I will give an outline to the whole assignment.

And sometimes I'll even give a heads-up to the parent. I haven't told your child about X, Y, and Z, but this is what's coming. So in week one, I recommend doing this. In week two, I recommend doing that. So I wouldn't ask a parent on their own to figure all that out, but I'm very happy to collaborate with a parent. Or maybe I send home a timeline, and the parent's like "This is still overwhelming." Great. Let's break it down further.

But don't as a parent feel that overwhelming sensation that your child feels and then drown in it. Because like I said in the beginning, our attitude towards homework and this space that we have at home will be mirrored in our child. So we have this positive outlook. Our child can have that positive outlook. So we say, "That's OK, we'll figure this out. Let's get the teacher's help." That's what your child is going to do the next day. They're going to say, "It's OK. I'm going to go to my teacher and get help." As opposed to spiraling.

Gretchen: Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, I have found at home as a parent, sometimes when I — at first there's some overwhelm, right. They say, oh, my gosh, it's so big and I have so much to do, blah, blah, blah. And I will give space for a little bit of venting. And then I say, "Did your teacher kind of break it out into smaller assignments? Is there anywhere where you have an outline?" "Oh, oh, yeah. I have it here somewhere."

And sometimes I think that as parents, we need to — we might have to dig a little with our kids to ask for this chunking information because it's there. But they're — maybe their feelings are in the way, right? And they're forgetting that it's there, because they're just so stressed about the big assignment.

Shira: Right. And definitely validate. And I want to say in general that sometimes the assignment is not very big. But for some reason it feels very big for our child. Maybe it's just that one worksheet and today that's feeling really big. And I do encourage families to set a time limit or a question limit, whatever that may be, even if you're not going to get anywhere near finishing it. We don't want our child —I don't — and as teachers, we don't want our students to go home and feel this just overwhelmed or negative feelings about learning. Then the homework wasn't productive. Maybe they got it all right. But if that negative emotion comes back to school the next day surrounding this work, we still have a lot to deal with.

So I would rather, "OK. You only got two done. That's fine. That's what felt like your max for that day. OK. Maybe another day won't feel as overwhelming." But I really want parents to cut off. Homework should not be that stressor, should not be the thing that's spiraling. We know the concept of homework may be overwhelming. But when it comes down to doing it, if it really is getting overwhelming, that's where as a parent you can say, "OK, we've had enough for today."

Gretchen: Sounds good to me. I just wanted to check in on one particular area. So if you know your kid has dyslexia and so they have trouble with reading, or they have dyscalculia, so math is more difficult. When you're home working with your child, first of all, I wonder, do you do those things first because they're hardest? Do you save them for later because they're hardest? And what kinds of supports do we suggest to families? I mean, I'm sure there's some that they already know of from meetings with teachers and such. But I'm just wondering what your advice is around that.

Shira: Well, I would say about which comes first. That's your child. Your child is driving this homework scenario, right? So your child's going to pick whether that comes first or that, you know, because the least favorite thing for last or smack in the middle. But I would also say about tools: Mimic whatever is going on in school. If your child's able to read in school because they have assistive technology, you should have those same resources at home. And specifically with assistive technology, because you mentioned dyslexia, but really it applies to lots of disabilities, lots of times on a child's IEP, they'll say this works best for them with the support of X, Y, and Z technology. And oftentimes the school itself will provide that technology. And what a lot of parents don't realize is that that technology is not just for school learning, it is for learning, which means that your child can bring that device home every single day as long as they bring it back the next day.

Gretchen: That is such a good tip.

Shira: Build on to that. Are there virtual math manipulatives that we can use? All these things that are free and available — use them. But especially please, please, if they're using them in school and being successful with them in school, use them at home. You don't want to reinvent the wheel. If this is working for them, make sure it's continuing to work. And specifically about assistive technology, parents can ask the school to get trained in the apps or tools that your child is using so that you know how to use it the best way, just like your child's teacher did. So that it shouldn't be any different than what they're doing in school.

Not to say that it's going to be easy. Any of these tools, assistive technology or these manipulatives, don't suddenly erase a learning or thinking difference. But if it's a support that was determined to be necessary, then don't take that away from your child at home. Then you're signing yourself up for some challenges.

Gretchen: I love that advice of make sure you're getting those tools at home, ask for them, and ask for the training. I think the training is key. So thank you, Shira, for mentioning that.

Rachel: Yeah, because nobody wants to be like sitting on YouTube trying to figure out how to use this thing that, you know, the teacher probably could have shared.

Shira: Especially during a homework crisis.

Gretchen: Yes. Especially when you're hungry, when you're...

Rachel: "Hold on a minute. Let me — let me check YouTube for 15 minutes. Just hang tight. Hang tight."

Rachel: So this might be our last question, but I think it's a really important one. What is your biggest piece of advice regarding homework? Like, what do you find yourself telling families the most?

Shira: I think it comes back to the emotions. There's a lot of stress for parents about homework, and we inadvertently pass that on to our children. And that stress comes from so many different things. I'm worried that my child isn't doing well. I'm worried that I don't know the skill well enough to help my child. I'm worried that it's not all going to get done. All the things we discussed.

So when we change our perspective on homework, that it all needs to be right, that it all needs to be done, that it needs to be perfect — any of that — and we're just having a more positive outlook on homework, we're more likely to let our child drive those conversations, pick the space, pick the time, pick all of those things. And if we're relaxed, they'll be relaxed. And will it all get done? Not necessarily. Will it all be perfect? Not necessarily. And all those things are OK. And if we accept that as parents, our children will accept that as students.

Rachel: That's so helpful.

Gretchen: That's great advice. Thank you so much for joining us today, Shira.

Shira: It's been my pleasure. It's been great to talk to you.

Gretchen: By the way, you can find more great tips and insights from Shira on Understood's Wunder app.

Rachel: Should we explain what that is for anybody who doesn't know?

Gretchen: Yeah. Good idea. Wunder is a free community app for parents and caregivers raising kids who learn and think differently. So it's a place to connect with other parents who get what you're going through.

Rachel: There's all these different groups there on topics like ADHD or dyslexia. The one that Shira leads is called "Ask an Expert: Dyslexia, Tech, and Learning," where she gets into some of that stuff that we talked about today, like how parents can get comfortable with the assistive technology their kids are using at school. So if that sounds interesting to you, go check it out.

Gretchen: You've been listening to "In It," from the Understood Podcast Network.

Rachel: This show is for you. So we want to make sure that you're getting what you need. Email us at [email protected] to share your thoughts. We love hearing from you.

Gretchen: If you want to learn more about the topics we covered today, check out the show notes for this episode. We include more resources as well as links to anything we mentioned in the episode.

Rachel: Understood.org is a resource dedicated to helping people who learn and think differently discover their potential and thrive. Learn more at understood.org/mission.

Gretchen: "In It" is produced by Julie Subrin. Briana Berry is our production director. Justin D. Wright mixes the show. Mike Errico wrote our theme music.

Rachel: For the Understood Podcast Network, Laura Key is our editorial director, Scott Cocchiere is our creative director, and Seth Melnick is our executive producer. Thanks for listening.

Gretchen: And thanks for always being in it with us.

Gretchen Vierstra, MA

is the managing editor at Understood and co-host of the “In It” podcast. She’s a former educator with experience teaching and designing programs in schools, organizations, and online learning spaces.

Rachel Bozek

is co-host of the “In It” podcast and the parent of two kids with ADHD. She has a background in writing and editing content for kids and parents. 

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Raising Kids With Purpose

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October 6, 2019 By Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) 43 Comments

The Top 10 Tips to End Homework Battles With Kids

The homework battles all started in Kindergarten! Yes, that young!

After agonizing over which school we should send our oldest son to, we decided on a brand new traditional school that was being built a mile from our house. It had a Positive Discipline model, lots of structure that we thought would benefit his hyper little body, and they taught in a similar way to how my husband and I learned.

However, while looking more closely at reviews, the number one complaint was the amount of homework given.

This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure policy for details.

I really didn’t think it would be that bad.

And I was wrong.

The amount of work wasn’t actually the problem, although, there was quite a bit. It was my approach and being unaware that my son is something that is known as Twice Exceptional . I was metaphorically squeezing him into a teeny tiny box. All the while, he was BUSTING out of it probably trying to figure out how he co uld create something with it. Ha!

There were a lot of tears. Mostly from me because the frustration would boil over causing me to be a sobbing mess. I tried rewards such as (dye-free) gummy bears and stickers. I would sit right next to him repeating myself over and over again.

It was painful.

Now that I look back, there is no wonder he was so resistant, annoyed and more frustrated than I was! Thankfully, we have repaired that damage!

Bonus! Sign up for the Raising Kids With Purpose Newsletter and receive The End Homework Battles Toolkit for FREE! The toolkit includes a Homework Plan Worksheet, Top 10 Tips Poster, a Daily Homework Checklist and a Homework Supply List.

Table of Contents

The Benefits of Homework

A few years ago, I was listening to a podcast where the author made a comment about how homework doesn’t even contribute to learning. Shortly after, I came across Alfie Kohn’s stance on homework and he states, “The fact is that after decades of research on the topic, there is no overall positive correlation between homework and achievement (by any measure) for students before middle school – or, in many cases, before high school.”

I threw my hands up in the air with the attitude of, “Well, that’s it! I’m not even going to make my kids do homework anymore. I’m sick of the homework battles anyways.”

But being the research-a-holic that I am, I did a little more digging.

It appears that the experts and researchers in the field of education can’t quite agree if this is true or not. There are too many variables at play such as developmental capacity, the type of homework, parental involvement, the amount, and the list could go on.

Another thing to consider that even if homework does contribute to learning, it’s taking away free time and play. Young kids discover the world through play so to take that away can be detrimental to their development.

Something we do know is that homework can help a teacher gauge where a child is in terms of progress towards knowledge, and it can also contribute to more skills other than learning. This did get my attention because teaching life skills to our kids while they are young and in our safe environment is what parenting is all about to me.

Skills learned by doing homework:

• Accountability
• Time Management
• Self-Discipline
• Goal-Setting
• Delayed Gratification
• Critical Thinking Skills
• Independence and Self-Motivation
• Study and Note-taking Skills
• Following Directions
• Responsibility
• The Joy of Hard Work
• Perseverance

End Homework Battles

I didn’t realize there was another way to do this whole homework thing. I was the one causing way more problems than solutions. After taking a step back from all the tension, I realized there was a power struggle for autonomy happening.

In The Self-Driven Child by Dr. William Stixrud and Ned Johnson , the very second chapter is titled, “ I Love You Too Much To Fight With You About Homework” The Parent As Consultant.

At first, I thought it was peculiar to have a chapter about homework at the very beginning of a book on childhood autonomy. After reading it though, I found it to be the perfect example of how we should view our role as parents – as a consultant, not manager and definitely not dictator.

Immediately, I started putting what they mentioned in practice.

The authors were spot on!

The battles (of two years!!) stopped, the tears dried up and my son started to be self-motivated!

Just the other day, he realized he had to recite a poem that was due the following day. We didn’t nag or remind him. As a result, he got to work and was able to say the whole thing in class the next day without any help. Would I have preferred that he didn’t procrastinate? Yes. But that’s not my choice to make.

Since reading The Self-Driven Child , I also read The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey and No Drama Homework by JoAnn Crohn . With all the amazing information, I started implementing their tips. It has made such a difference in our relationship and especially in our boys’ self-motivation and independence.

The Top 10 Tips to End Homework Battles

The goal with all of this is to let our kids lead their own lives and to be self-disciplined. Homework is a great place to start in allowing our kids to develop competence and become more resilient. If we do the work for them, we, in turn, make them weaker.

Here are the top 10 tips that really helped end homework battles:

1. Define What Homework Is (And Isn’t)

What the heck is homework for anyways?

If we start with realizing what the purpose of homework is and how it should be completed, we can continue to fall back on this if it starts to be something that it’s intended to be.

The Purpose of Homework

When googling the question, “What is the purpose of homework?”, there are many websites that answer this question such as Psychology Today , The Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development , and even Crayola . After reading through what many of the professionals and experts had to say, this is the conclusion I came to:

The purpose of homework is to reinforce what was taught in class and result in meaningful learning.

With this in mind, we can determine if our child’s homework is appropriate or inappropriate. And if it’s the latter, don’t feel afraid to speak to your child’s teacher.

How Homework Should be Completed

According to an article on Princeton University’s website , ” only a certain amount of processing of information occurs in response to hearing information presented.”

And this is all dependent on the type of learner your child is. By doing homework at home, learning can be reinforced in a different way.

Kids should also be able to complete homework independently.

This means that if a child is unable to read, then he or she probably isn’t ready for homework that requires reading yet. This is not how it’s viewed at my children’s school and I’m sure they have their reasons. As a result, I did see that my kids weren’t able to work on many of the skills listed above like self-discipline or responsibility because they had to depend on me. And at that age, we need to encourage play and discovery in the small amount of time they have left in their day.

When a child can complete the work at home by himself or herself, even more learning will be strengthened which again, is the whole point.

Lastly, homework should also be completed with the teacher’s expectations in mind.

Set and understand what the teacher’s expectations are and reinforce those with your child.

Even though our school is pretty uniform in the instruction and homework given, each teacher does have slightly different rules and requirements for homework. Reiterating these with your child will help them be successful in accomplishing the purpose of homework, therefore, eliminating those awful homework battles.

2. Rule Out Any Learning Challenges

If your child seems to be sitting there and physically unable to get the pencil moving, it may not be because she is lazy or even tired. She may have a learning or developmental challenge. Or if they don’t seem to remember anything they learned in class, there may be a vision or hearing problem.

We had no idea our child had learning and attention issues AND needed glasses. Once we figured this all out, we were able to give him the accommodations he needed. I would get incredibly frustrated watching him sit there and do what I perceived as nothing. Thankfully, those feelings diminished once I was aware of what was going on. Then, I was able to be constructive instead of destructive.

Understood is an incredible resource for kids with learning and attention challenges. This article, “Why Kids With Executive Functioning Issues Have Trouble Starting Tasks “ opened my eyes to the effects of chemicals in the brain and task initiation.

The power of knowledge and awareness, I tell ya! It can change everything.

3. Make Sleep a Priority

Thanks to modern-day society, kids are getting less and less sleep.

Quality sleep helps kids focus and it helps increase learning. Research has shown that even increasing sleep by 27 minutes can help with focus and reduce inattention challenges.

According to Parents , “[Sleep] is when the body repackages neurotransmitters, chemicals that enable brain cells to communicate. And experts have recently been able to demonstrate that sleep allows brain cells to “take out the trash” each night, flushing out disease-causing toxins.”

4. Realize Homework Is OUR CHILD’S Responsibility

Let’s say it together:

Homework is my child’s responsibility, not mine.

This is what really released me feeling like I needed to be a homework dictator! If I’m making sure the homework is getting completed and constantly nagging, I’m making the responsibility mine.

And do you remember some of the skills that are learned through homework? Most of them cannot be achieved if I’m hovering over my child and making sure it gets in his backpack and eventually to school.

“It may seem harmless to step in, but the damage is cumulative . Every time you take over, and rescue your child from working out a challenging math problem or thesis statement on her own, you undermine your child’s sense of confidence and autonomy.” ~ Jessica Lahey of The Gift of Failure

Kids learn through failure and natural consequences. If I make homework my responsibility, they will never have an opportunity to learn how to recover from mistakes.

Read Next: An Easy Way for Kids To Pack School Lunch

5. Have a Plan

Come up with a plan together. Or better yet, give your child complete ownership over the plan (because it is his or her responsibility after all *wink wink*) and you can help if needed.

I had it in my head that the homework needed to be done immediately. My son had a different opinion. Before he would even walk into the house, a power struggle ensued. He needed a BREAK after school, whereas, I wanted to ensure his homework got done so he could have the rest of the evening to relax and create . In all honesty, I probably just wanted to be off the hook, too.

The Plan Could Involve:

• Food! Fuel up and hydrate
• What to do as soon as they walk in the door
• Location for their homework folders or packets
• Location for a “Homework station”
• Supply Bins and a list of what they will need
• The time they will start their homework
• Anything else needed to complete homework such as timers

DOWNLOAD: Free Homework Toolkit

By handing over the responsibility to your child to eliminate homework battles, this does not mean you can’t or shouldn’t help. Something I started doing was saying,

“Hey! Let me know if you need any help with homework tonight. If so, let’s come up with time so I can plan around it.”

If they don’t want you to work with them then that’s their prerogative. One of my sons didn’t want my help until he did poorly on a test. During the following week, he asked if I could study with him. Of course, I told him I would. Then, we came up with a time that worked best for both of us. We didn’t have any homework battles! Woot Woot!

Remember, the responsibility is ultimately our child’s, not ours.

6. Create an Effective Learning Environment

Find a spot in your house where your child works well. And remember, just because you prefer a certain work environment doesn’t mean that it will work best for your child.

In the books I read, they recommend that you find a space with zero distractions. Focus these days is hard to come by even for a neurotypically developing child, let alone, one with attention deficits.

What I’ve found is to look specifically at your child’s individual needs. For example, we have one son who requires external stimulation. One day, we practiced spelling words while he was listening to a book with one earbud in, moving in his swivel chair and creating something with a 3D pen. The crazy thing is that he spelled more words correctly while doing all those things than when he was sitting with no distractions! On the other hand, our other son needs a quiet space free of any clutter.

Suggestions for homework spots:

• At the kitchen table
• Outside at a table or in a comfy chair
• On the floor
• At the local library

Another great tip I read was to use a tri-fold poster board to keep the child separated from distractions if that’s what they need!

Ask your child what he prefers. Check-in with him or her every few months to see if it’s still working, if not, change it up!

Quick Tip! To end homework battles, use my Free Printable Homework Toolkit that includes a Homework Plan, Top 10 Tips Poster, Homework Checklist and Homework Supply List.

7. Teach Organizanization and Strategy

Homework is an opportunity for your child to learn how to organize materials and organize time. This is often done by coming up with a strategy.

Strategies That Will End Homework Battles:

• Use a planner to keep track of all the assignments and when they are due. Checklists and routine charts can also be a great tool to teach organizational skills.
• Determine if help from an adult will be needed. If so, decide on who will help and what time. Before starting, determine what is most important and or the “hardest” task. Self-control is a limited commodity and your child will most likely have more towards the beginning of homework time. Hence why it is best to start with the hard stuff first.
• Estimate how much time each task will take to complete and use a timer for accountability (and accuracy of that estimation). *We LOVE these ones!
• Establish a system where the child checks his or her own work after it is complete.
• Have a homework supply box so there’s no need to disrupt work time to find a sharpened pencil or ruler .
• Have your kids come up with a “home” for their backpacks and help them create a habit to put the homework away as soon as they are done. This will cut down on running around like chickens with their heads cut off in the morning. We use a big bin in the shoe closet and soon will be building custom lockers!

Time Management Strategies

Use the timer cure.

A great way to teach time management skills to kids is with what Jessica Lahey refers to as The Timer Cure.

This teaches kids how to budget their time. Have them estimate how much time a particular task or subject takes to complete. Cut that time in half and set a timer for that amount of time.

For example, if a math worksheet typically takes an hour, set a timer for 30 minutes. Tell the child that once the beeper goes off, then the math worksheet time is done and he needs to move onto the next assignment. Keep the timer visible so they can see it counting down. Unless the child has learning or attention issues or anxiety, as mentioned above, he or she will typically beat the clock!

Talk to the teacher about this tactic first to make sure he or she is okay with the homework assignment not getting completed. For my son who has a 504 Plan , we utilize this strategy which has worked pretty well. At first, I thought he would use it as an excuse to not work as hard since he could stop after a certain amount of time, but it did the opposite.

This is a great strategy to teach kids who have a tough time getting started or find the work to be challenging.

The child takes the homework assignments and breaks them down into manageable “chunks”.

• Piles – Put each assignment or worksheet into a separate pile and work on one pile at a time.
• Relatedness – Assignments can be sorted by relatedness such as written work, computer work, and more hands-on projects.
• Subject – Work on one subject at a time
• Due Date – Teach your child how to prioritize by working on the assignments that are due the soonest first.

Individual assignments can be broken down into even smaller chunks. The whole point is to make the task seem doable instead of so overwhelming that it’s hard to even start.

8. Call In Reinforcement s

If the homework battles don’t seem to cease, then find someone else who can work with your child. Kids often listen better from a peer or someone just slightly older than him or her. They can feel a stronger connection or not have the need to fight back.

9. Discover Intrinsic Motivators

Before becoming a brain-compatible parenting research junkie (I don’t think that’s really a thing but in my world it is!), I thought rewards and praise were how you motivated a child to do something.

I was wrong.

In this pos t , I go into the hindrances that praise can actually cause. This also can go for rewards. Well, it may not damage the child and cause them to enter a psych ward or anything, but rewards don’t motivate in the way we think they do. Instead, they extrinsically motivate which means as soon as the reward is taken away, there is no desire left to continue doing that behavior, action or task. So instead, we should focus on doing things that intrinsically motivate our kids to want to do well or in this case, get their homework done.

Intrinsic motivation is doing something for the inherent enjoyment or satisfaction, but not for a separable outcome like a physical reward.

Thankfully, we have one child who loves homework so there is no external push needed from us. The other, however, would rather go scoop poop for a neighbor’s dog. Ha!

Sometimes rewards can kick start motivation, but because the effects wear off so fast, we need to be cautious not to rely on them. For example, using a sticker chart for potty training a two-year-old can work to jump-start the motivation to go in the toilet but as soon as they do, praise the action and empower the child with phrases like, “You did it!” Then they become proud of themselves and want to use the potty independently.

Sign Up to Receive Your Free Encouragement Through Strengths Worksheet

Intrinsic motivators for homework.

Below are some things that you can do get your child to a point where they are intrinsically motivated to do homework instead of only completing it because you gave them a gummy bear. Well, you may not have used gummy bears, but I sure tried!

• Encourage your child to work on what she is interested in first. As mentioned above, have your child prioritize and pick what is hardest first. However, if there is zero motivation to do anything, have her work on what she’s most interested in. Doing this will give her a spike in the motivation biochemicals in her brain that may last enough long enough for the remaining subjects.
• Acknowledge when your child masters a task or accomplishes an assignment that was difficult. Avoid using praise like, “Good job” but instead, praise the effort and hard work.
• Give your child autonomy. This has already been discussed, but allowing your child to be in control over his or her decisions of when to do homework, what and how to finish it, there will be greater motivation and maybe even desire to get it done.
• Help them find joy in what they are doing. Point out parts of the homework that are linked to what they are good at or interested in.
• Point out one of your child’s strengths that will help them to complete the assignment.
• Give positive feedback and encouragement. Try to refrain from over-correcting or giving negative feedback. Instead, encourage your child to check his own work and encourage him to keep working hard.

10. Stay Focused on the End Game!

Getting caught up on each homework assignment can cause more and more power struggles. Instead, keep your focus on the end game and what you hope to accomplish.

This reminds me of my friend Amy Carney who wrote a whole book with this message. In Parent on Purpose , she talks about visualizing the end. If we were to sit down at our child’s 18th birthday and watch the actual story of his or her life, not just the highlight reel, how would we feel? Do you think all the arguing, yelling and maybe even tears over homework battles is what we would care most about?

Probably not.

When we really think about it, what do we what to accomplish in our parenting journey with our kids as they develop into self-sufficient adults? Our list will probably be filled more with all the skills listed above on what homework teaches than nagging and feeling like it’s a fight to get our child to complete and turn it in.

The long-term goals should be for your child to develop a growth mindset , be independent, become competent, diligent and accomplish great things with the precious time they’ve been given to live in this world.

Ending Homework Battles is Easy Peasy!

Right? Seriously though, with the right mindset, homework time doesn’t have to feel so straining. Talk to the teacher if you feel like your child is unable to complete it on his or her own, that it’s not reinforcing what was taught in the classroom or it is taking way too long.

Depending on the school, your teacher may be able to work with you and the student to ensure that it’s beneficial and not just busywork that’s taking away family time at home.

The Top 10 Tips!

In conclusion, let’s review the Top 10 Tips to End Homework Battles :

• Define what homework is (and isn’t)!
• Rule out any learning challenges and come up with a plan to accommodate your child if there are any.
• Make sleep a priority.
• Realize homework is our child’s responsibility, not ours!
• Have a plan.
• Create an effective learning environment.
• Teach organization and strategy skills.
• Call in the reinforcements.
• Use Intrinsic Motivators.
• Stay Focused on the End Game.

Download Your Free End Homework Battles Toolkit!

Sign Up to Receive Your Free Homework Toolkit

• Download the toolkit | Join me to receive my newsletter and as a thank you, receive the pdf files. If you haven’t filled out the form, click here to subscribe!
• Print the files | It works great to print onto cardstock but any paper will do. After you print, cut the half sheets.
• Laminate | Laminating the half sheets work well so you can use a dry erase marker and reuse the checklists. If you want, you can laminate the Homework Plan after it’s filled out so that it stays in good shape. Keep it at the designated homework spot as a reminder.
• Use and update the plan | As the kids get older or make changes to their plans, update it and hang at the homework station.

What Is Homework Time Like For You?

If you have any questions or comments please feel free to drop a comment below!!!

Hello!!! I’m Adriane. I’m a mom to three loud boys, am a research-a-holic and very passionate person who writes at Raising Kids With Purpose . Parenting can feel so hard sometimes but with mindset shifts and understanding , it can be very enjoyable. My hope is to inspire parents like you to create lifelong connections with your children and enjoy the journey along the way! 

Ash-Lee says

October 9, 2019 at 5:27 pm

Lots of great information! Thanks!

Adriane (Raising Kids With Purpose) says

October 10, 2019 at 4:27 am

October 9, 2019 at 5:59 pm

Good tips here. I’m a fan of homework myself as it can teach the children about sense of responsibility, time management and discipline.

October 10, 2019 at 4:28 am

I’m slowly warming up to the idea. LOL!

October 9, 2019 at 6:13 pm

This is really great. I struggle every day with my son sitting down to do homework. He really puts it off and I don’t blame him. These tips will really help me as a guide

Oh good! They have helped us so much!

Michele Tripple says

October 9, 2019 at 7:18 pm

I love that you say have a plan! And I love that it includes having a snack because I think so often we make the kids hit the ground running as soon as they walk in the door and who wants to do that? Not me… But a snack and some me time can really help them accomplish it!

October 10, 2019 at 4:29 am

I agree! I actually pick them up from school and have snacks in their cup holders as soon as they get in the van. My 7-year-old eats lunch at 10am!!! and doesn’t get home until 3 so food is a must. Hope the plan helps you!

Ainsley says

I used to hate how long homework too when I was in school! These are awesome tips to tackle homework!

October 10, 2019 at 5:36 am

Thanks! I’m totally the opposite and LOVED Homework but now as an adult, I’m not a fan and it’s too hard. Ha!

Jasmine Hewitt says

October 10, 2019 at 1:03 pm

these are excellent tips. saving this for the time we have our homework battles!

October 10, 2019 at 9:48 pm

Yes they are time-saving tips for sure 🙂

October 10, 2019 at 1:54 pm

Lots of great info .home work can be such again

LOL! Yes it can be a pain 🙂

Rikki Ridgeway says

October 10, 2019 at 2:18 pm

My daughter just started Pre-K, and has some “homework” once a week – but I’m actually really dreading when she gets older when the real homework begins…

October 10, 2019 at 9:49 pm

Already in Pre-K??? That’s so young!

Chelsae Lund says

October 10, 2019 at 6:14 pm

Number 4 is my favorite! I love making sure they understand it is their responsibility.

That’s my favorite too! LOL! It seriously released me from feeling like I was failing if they didn’t get it done. And it freed up my evenings too!!

Kristen says

October 11, 2019 at 2:26 am

I love the idea of having a dedicated homework space as opposed to laying it all out on the kitchen table. My kids aren’t of homework age yet but to be honest I am kind of dreading it!

October 15, 2019 at 10:13 pm

With this mindset though, there’s nothing to dread! It’s their responsibility 😉 And yes, having a dedicated space definitely helps!

October 11, 2019 at 3:13 am

Thank you for sharing. I do not look forward to helping my daughter with her homework. It’s bad. I know. At eight, she’s a know-it-all but wants my help. It’s tough

October 15, 2019 at 10:14 pm

Awe! Let her take the reigns though! And if she wants your help come up with a time and parameters making sure it’s still her responsibility.

October 11, 2019 at 1:22 pm

Great tips! As a mom of 6 I can say that they are all super important for sure! Organization is so key!

Yes! Very important!

October 11, 2019 at 4:05 pm

Gah! The homework struggle is real Momma. I have 5 kids and each one of them have been different with how they approach homework. Going to give some of these a try with my 8 year old who has made the great big leap into 3rd grade. Thanks for sharing!

October 15, 2019 at 10:15 pm

Isn’t crazy how every kid is so unique and learns differently? Hope some of these tips help as they have helped with us!

Rebecca Branham says

October 11, 2019 at 4:13 pm

Wow – I LOVE this! My in-laws babied their son with his homework. Would even go as far as to do it for him so it was done – ridiculous. He’s one of the most unmotivated people I know and expects life to just be handed to him on a silver platter. They thought their ‘favor’ was helping him and it really just created a poor work ethic and more 🙁

October 15, 2019 at 10:17 pm

I know someone who did the same thing. Her mom even helped her with homework through college and now with a degree she hasn’t been able to find a solid job for a few years because every time things get hard, she quits. It really isn’t helpful to do everything for our kids. I can’t harp on that enough! LOL! Thanks for sharing!

Jordyn says

October 11, 2019 at 6:38 pm

I can’t believe homework starts in kindergarten!! That’s next year for my little

October 15, 2019 at 10:18 pm

For us it did! We have friends who go to a different charter though, and there’s barely any homework all throughout elementary. Only if that school was closer 😉 And I think our public school’s kinder didn’t have much homework. Praying that’s the case for you! I think schools should wait until they can at least read and comprehend well!

Live Well Choose Joy says

October 11, 2019 at 7:47 pm

This is such great info! We definitely have struggles with our 7 year old and homework. Thank you for sharing this!

You’re welcome! Hope it helps!

Jennifer Maune says

October 12, 2019 at 1:22 am

I love this post! Such great insight. I love that “you are a consultant, not a manager or dictator!” I will definitely remember that and put it to use. Great tips!

October 15, 2019 at 10:19 pm

My kids respond so much better to things when they are in control (or at least feel like they are in control of their own lives).

Marysa says

October 12, 2019 at 1:52 am

Homework and chores can definitely be a battle! It is so frustrating to have to deal with this all the time. I like your tips – thanks!

Thank you! I’m so thankful it’s not a battle anymore! At least for now 😉

Kristal says

October 12, 2019 at 4:54 pm

These are great tips on How to battle homework issues. I’m definitely gonna try to use these with my kids.

October 15, 2019 at 10:20 pm

Let me know how it goes!

Sonia Seivwright says

October 14, 2019 at 1:38 pm

Love and needed to read this. Love the pictures. Thanks for sharing

October 15, 2019 at 10:21 pm

Clarice says

October 14, 2019 at 4:41 pm

This is very timely. This is my personal predicament right now and yes, the amount of homework is a big concern for us. Thank you so much for sharing these tips. Super helpful. Will definitely apply them.

October 15, 2019 at 10:12 pm

I’m so happy these tips can help! They have completely transformed homework time for us!

Really?! I know, this time two years ago, we were STRUGGLING! I’m so thankful for all the resources I found to help us overcome the homework battles, for sure!

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ADHD Child Refuses to Do Schoolwork: Top Tips to Help | Beyond Booksmart

By Sean Potts and Jackie Hebert

Let’s be honest… No student loves homework - and for good reason. When we consider the full school day, extracurriculars, and various social components that are all part of a typical school week, it’s no wonder why students want to relax and recharge when they finally get home. However, part of growing up is learning to roll up our sleeves and do those essential things we might not want to do - and for students, this means working through that algebra worksheet or history reading despite being drained from the 10+ hour day they just had. 

In this blog, we’re going to explore homework refusal and what you can do as a parent to nudge your student toward a healthier relationship with their homework. We’ll organize this exploration through four key questions: 

• What is homework refusal? 
• What causes homework refusal?
• How do you overcome homework refusal? 
• What outside support is there for homework refusal? 

Let’s dive right in.

1. What is homework refusal?

Homework refusal is when a student develops a strong avoidance of homework to the point of regularly refusing to complete their school work. A typical student who struggles with homework refusal may procrastinate to start their assignments, freeze up when they sit down to work, struggle to resist distractions after school, and release outbursts of anger or frustration when confronted about homework. 

Over time, these issues often devolve into worsening grades, frequent conflicts at home, and increased stress levels for caregivers and students. As a result, the parent-child relationship can become strained due to nightly battles over homework that make time at home increasingly unpleasant for the whole family. So now that we understand what homework refusal is, how does it develop in the first place? 

2. What causes homework refusal?

Homework refusal is a pattern of avoidance that’s developed to cope with the stress of completing homework. Understanding the core cause of homework refusal starts with identifying what exactly about homework is so stressful for your child. We’ll explore a few common reasons for this stress so you can identify which is most relevant to your situation. It’s also important to remember that attributing homework refusal solely to inherent character flaws (like laziness or apathy) is almost always counterproductive. Homework refusal can develop around the same age that other latent challenges around learning or mental health do. In other words, what may seem like laziness at the surface may simply be the tip of a much deeper iceberg with a core problem that exists outside of your student’s control. Let’s explore some of those potential underlying causes. (Note: It’s possible that more than one of these causes is relevant to your student - many can and do coexist.) 

Learning Differences & Disorders

If homework feels overwhelming for your student, it’s possible they might be struggling with a learning or neurological difference or disorder that makes completing homework harder than it is for their unaffected peers. These are the most common:

ADHD & Homework Refusal

One of the most common ones to consider is Attentive-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), which generally makes it harder to do difficult or boring tasks because of differences in the ADHD brain’s reward circuit. As a result, those with ADHD struggle with self-management abilities like task initiation , organization, planning & prioritizing, and emotional regulation. You can learn more about ADHD specifically here. 

Dyslexia & Autism Spectrum Disorder Impact and Schoolwork Struggles 

Two other common learning differences to consider include dyslexia, which involves difficulty reading due to problems identifying speech sounds and learning how they relate to letters, and autism spectrum disorder (ASD). ASD is a developmental disorder that impairs the ability to communicate and interact with the world. If you suspect that any of these examples could be relevant to your child, then we encourage you to have them evaluated by a neuropsychologist or other qualified clinician. Identifying the core struggle is a critical step in conquering the issues surrounding homework. Most importantly, remember that a learning difference can make work feel impossible and overwhelming, so the more parents can do to reduce that stress around homework, the more likely they'll be able to actually help their student - which leads perfectly into our next cause...

Micromanaging

When students refuse to do homework, caregivers find themselves with a difficult choice - either directly intervene to make sure homework is completed or disengage and let them suffer the academic consequences that come with missing homework assignments. Both options are unappealing, yet it can be easy to rationalize direct involvement as the best course of action. After all, you want your kid to succeed, right? If you see that a child has trouble staying motivated, organized, and on top of things, shouldn’t caregivers be willing to do whatever it takes to help them overcome that?

Not necessarily! This approach has two big problems: first, it keeps our kids dependent on us instead of helping them learn to do things for themselves. Second, in the context of homework refusal, you have to remember that a student’s avoidance is often a coping mechanism to avoid the stress of homework. When parents start micromanaging homework time by nagging them to start, hovering over them while they work, checking for completion, and enforcing their attention on the task at hand, it's actually making homework more stressful for them. As a result, our noble intention can suddenly have unforeseen consequences. If you’ve found your direct involvement with your child’s work has resulted in more conflict, more stress around school work, and continued avoidance of homework, then the evidence indicates that that approach is likely making the problem worse. Luckily, there are other options parents can do to support this issue that we’ll be covering later on in this article. 

Anxiety 

Although homework can feel stressful (even for the most successful students), it needn’t be at a debilitating level. If your student has developed high emotional responses to homework that involve crying, shaking, hyperventilating, or tantrums surrounding homework, then anxiety may be the core issue at play. If anxiety is the core issue fueling homework refusal , then micromanaging will likely make it worse. Instead, it's important to seek out mental health support for the anxiety specifically and work through the underlying beliefs around homework that are reinforcing your student’s avoidance. 

Perfectionism 

Some students set unrealistically high expectations for themselves and their work, which can make it overwhelming to finish or even get started in the first place. This phenomenon is called perfectionism , and it’s often misunderstood as only applying to the highest performing students. In reality, perfectionism does not mean your work is actually perfect. In fact, that initial expectation can significantly decrease the quality of work as students may feel they can’t reach the ideal they’ve set for themselves and decide there’s no point in trying at all. Breaking down this core belief is central to overcoming the larger issue of homework refusal and can be done with the support of a coach or mental health professional. 

Untreated Executive Dysfunction

Executive Function skills enable us to plan, focus attention, remember instructions, get started on work, and manage multiple tasks. When an individual struggles with these types of tasks on a regular basis, they're experiencing Executive Dysfunction - a catch-all term for the cognitive, emotional, and behavioral difficulties that impact one's ability to succeed in their academic, professional, and personal lives. These include issues with time management, organization, task initiation, emotional regulation, planning & prioritizing, and impulse control. Up to 90% of those with ADHD struggle with Executive Dysfunction, which impairs goal-directed behavior such as completing homework. However, you don’t need to have a diagnosis of ADHD to struggle with these skills. Many other issues, including the ones we covered so far, can cause issues in those areas. Regardless of the cause, strengthening Executive Function skills can make homework much more manageable. 

Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a type of behavior disorder defined by children being uncooperative, defiant, and hostile toward peers, parents, teachers, and other authority figures. If the issue of refusal extends beyond homework, this may be a core cause to consider. Seek out a clinician who specializes in this issue, as it’s not an easy one to navigate alone as a parent. Treatment for ODD often includes psychotherapy, parent training, and could involve medication to treat underlying conditions such as depression, anxiety, or ADHD, as well.

3. How do you overcome homework refusal?

Now that we’ve covered the most common causes of homework refusal, let’s explore some of the most practical solutions available to overcome it.

If your ADHD child refuses to do schoolwork or has trouble finding motivation, simple methods like dividing homework into smaller tasks, rewarding little achievements, scheduling breaks, and modeling behavior can make a big difference in their motivation to complete assignments. It can also prove helpful to seek outside help from professionals like therapists, coaches and counselors.

We’ll break these solutions up into three categories: parenting strategies, Executive Function strategies, and seeking outside support. Let’s start with parenting solutions first.

5 Parenting Solutions for Homework Refusal

1. reconsider what your parenting role could look like .

As we explored earlier, there are a number of reasons why caregivers ideally shouldn’t be deeply involved in their student’s daily homework routine if that student is working through homework refusal. So that leaves an important question: what might the most useful caregiver role be? 

Answering this question starts with talking to your student about what they think is a fair level of involvement with their homework. Is it simply checking in to make sure they know what needs to get done or are they okay with a more involved role that includes setting the environment up for success? The answer will depend on the student, but the important thing is to involve your student in the conversation. If you can speak to them at their level and involve them in the process of establishing your role, you’re already showing them that you’re their ally - not their enemy. Over time, you can evaluate that role in action night-to-night and see how it impacts their ability to get homework done. If something isn’t working or needs to change, return to the initial conversation to come up with a new plan to experiment with. If this doesn’t work or the refusal is still extreme, then you’ll know it’s time to look for outside support, which we’ll cover near the end of this article. 

2. Set Clear Homework Expectations (and get your child’s buy-in!)

On the opposite end of micromanaging, there’s also the potential for enabling bad habits. This is why it’s important to set clear expectations around homework but also involve your child in creating those expectations. Talk through what seems reasonable and what happens if work isn’t done - and make it clear that you simply want them to succeed. Also, understand that each kid is different regarding how they feel about and approach their school work. Some may find English to be easy but have no patience at all for algebra, some may love math but get frustrated even just thinking about writing an essay. Whatever the case may be for your child, it’s important to know your child’s strengths and challenges, and what conditions allow them to learn best. This includes considering the frequency of breaks while working, how they can transition into work time, what environment allows them to be most productive, and which assignments give them the most trouble. After a month or two, you should have a clearer indication of what’s working, what’s not, and whether your child needs additional support beyond what you can provide.  

3. Celebrate Small Wins 

Completing all their homework may look like a typical night for some students, but for a student with homework refusal, it’s a big deal to even take out their materials to get started - or to have a conversation about what needs to be done. Celebrating these types of small wins with rewards or encouragement can be a great way to motivate students by reminding them that homework time doesn’t have to be such an excruciating experience. Small wins can include trying out a new tool or strategy, sitting down to focus for a given time, or starting homework without a fight. Whatever the wins might be, be sure to acknowledge them so your student knows you see the changes they're making, no matter how small. It reminds them that progress happens often a little bit at a time and even those small increments can feel really great when you shine a light on them.

4. Model What You’d Like to See 

If your child gets upset at the idea of homework, then simply staying calm through their emotional outbursts and demonstrating a solution-oriented attitude can go a long way. When kids see that their caregivers are calm, collected, and ready to find solutions, it can lay the groundwork to help them regulate themselves and mirror that calmer approach. At the very least, this technique helps caregivers be mindful of keeping their own emotions on a even keel during a challenging interaction with their child.

5. Connect with Your Child’s Teacher

As you’re working through these changes, work on building a good relationship with your child’s teacher and involve them in the process of change. Start off at the beginning of the school year by sharing your goals and worries with them, and stay in touch as the year progresses to share what you’ve been working on at home and where they can help in the classroom. Your relationship with your child’s teachers will pay off during the good times, but even more so during the challenging ones. 

6 Executive Function Strategies for Homework Refusal

Executive Function strategies are helpful for all students regardless of whether they’re a child with ADHD that refuses to do school work or any other core reason for refusing homework. We know they’re effective because our coaches use them in video sessions with the students they work with and they’ve seen how transformative they can be for all areas of a student's life, including homework. One reason that they’re so effective is that they rely on the belief that when there’s a way there’s a will . In other words, when students know how to get their homework done (the way), they’ll be more motivated to actually do it in the first place (the will). Hopefully, these strategies will help pave that road for your student’s own transformation, too.  

5-Minute Goals

Sometimes big tasks are just too overwhelming to even start. To reduce the burden and motivate students out of inaction, have them choose the first assignment to do and spend just 5 minutes on a timer seeing what they can get done.

When we’re given permission to stop after 5 minutes of work, starting may not seem so overwhelming. We’ve seen this tactic become a springboard to more extended periods of work simply due to the fact that it eliminates the fear of getting started. You may find that the 5 minutes lead your student into becoming immersed in the work at hand and continuing to work past that stopping point. If not, then try pairing this tactic with our next strategy…

Scheduled Breaks

Every homework assignment is its own task to conquer and may deserve its own scheduled break, too. Maintaining constant focus over a few hours and many assignments is challenging, even for adults. After a while, your student may lose steam and not want to do more. This is where structured breaks come in. When your student makes substantial progress or finishes one assignment, encourage them to take a timed 5 or 10-minute break to transition to their next assignment. Scheduling this into the homework session can make the burden seem less overwhelming overall and the individual assignments easier to start, knowing that there will be breaks in between. This strategy works best when the student has a say in how long the break should be relative to the assignment and what the break should consist of. Activities like listening to a favorite song, shooting a dozen freethrows, or grabbing a healthy snack can recharge a student without deraling their progress entirely

Cognitive Pairing

Homework time doesn’t always have to be just doom and gloom. One effective way to make homework time less scary is by pairing work with something fun and rewarding. This could be a pet curled up by your child’s side, their favorite treat waiting for them before they start, or a playlist of music they can enjoy listening to while they work (instrumental tends to be best!) Whatever it might be, pairing homework time with something they enjoy can greatly reduce the urge to avoid whatever assignment needs to get done.

Body doubling

One of the most challenging parts of starting homework is simply the feeling of having to tackle it alone. The chances that your student has a friend or someone from their class they can do homework with is likely high - so why not buddy up with them to get work done? This technique is also called body doubling and can be done with a friend, sibling, or even a caregiver who also needs to get work done, too. On top of making homework time less intimidating, it also can put kids on their best behavior if they’re with a friend that they’re not comfortable melting down in front of. This can be a great way for them to learn firsthand that homework doesn’t have to feel like such an unbearable burden.

The Pomodoro Technique 

The Pomodoro Technique is a method of working in pre-determined chunks of time. It’s essentially a combination of short, productive intervals (like 5-minute goals) and short breaks. For example, your student could work for 25 minutes, take a 5-minute break, and then go back to work. Coach and podcast host, Hannah Choi, encourages her clients to pay attention to diminishing returns when using the Pomodoro Technique. In this context, diminishing returns means that the effort being put in doesn’t necessarily yield the same results as it did when first starting the activity. Finding out when your student is most productive can be an effective bit of insight to have when deciding the sequence of the work they have to do. There are a number of apps that have Pomodoro Timers that can be used to set the working and break periods ahead of time ( like this one ).

Soften the blow

Transitioning from something fun or relaxing to a dreaded non-preferred task like homework is often going to pose a challenge. "Softening the blow" is one way to ease into these types of tasks or responsibilities. Some examples of this could be eating a snack, calling a friend, or even just stepping outside for a quick walk before sitting down to start homework. These all can work well as structured transitions. Best of all? In addition to reducing homework refusal, this approach also builds cognitive flexibility and task initiation - two critical Executive Function skills. 

4. What Outside Support Can Help with Homework Refusal? 

If you’ve read through all this and at any point said to yourself “this is too much for me to do alone,” then it might be worth looking for outside support. For homework refusal, one of these three options might be the best choice, depending on your student’s core challenge area. 

Executive Function Coaching

Executive Function coaches work on strengthening the core self-management skills of time management, task initiation, organization, emotional regulation, and planning & prioritizing. Since challenges in these areas can make homework much more difficult to approach (let alone finish), working with a coach 1:1 to apply strategies in their week to strengthen these key areas can prove to be the missing ingredient for overcoming homework refusal. Best of all, coaches provide a different perspective from a parent or teacher and can be viewed as an ally in a student's journey rather than another person telling them what they need to do. You can learn about our approach to Executive Function coaching here. 

Behavioral Therapy 

If your child has more involved core issues such as anxiety, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or other  neuropsychological profiles, it’s worth researching occupational or behavioral therapists near you who specialize in those particular areas. Once those support links are in place, parents, coaches, and tutors all have a much higher likelihood of success at empowering kids to overcome their homework refusal.

Tutoring 

If every Executive Function and behavioral factor are accounted for and homework is still a battle, then a tutor in the subject area your student is struggling in may be the best support option. A good tutor can fill in gaps that are holding a student back in a particular subject and give them a new teaching perspective to make the information really stick. 

The Takeaway

Your student's homework refusal can feel like an exhausting problem with no solutions, but there are a number of approaches you can use to improve the situation at home. A good combination of understanding why your child is refusing homework, what role your parenting plays in the equation, and what strategies and supports you can lean on all provide the foundation your student needs for a lasting transformation. Above all, know that change is possible!

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

About the Author

Sean potts and jackie hebert.

Sean Potts is the Marketing Specialist at Beyond BookSmart and a recent graduate of Ithaca College’s Integrated Marketing Communications program. As a former coaching client and intern at BBS, Sean has spent the better part of the last ten years witnessing firsthand the positive impact Beyond BookSmart's mission has on transforming students’ lives. Jackie Hebert is the Director of Marketing for Beyond BookSmart. Whether it's managing our websites, overseeing our social media content, authoring and editing blog articles, or hosting webinars, Jackie oversees all Marketing activities at Beyond BookSmart. Before joining Beyond BookSmart in 2010, Jackie was a Speech-Language Pathologist at Needham High School. She earned her Master's degree in Speech-Language Pathology from Boston University, and her Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts, Amherst.

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Parents often feel it’s their job to get their kids to do well in school. Naturally, you might get anxious about this responsibility as a parent. You might also get nervous about your kids succeeding in life—and homework often becomes the focus of that concern.

But when parents feel it’s their responsibility to get their kids to achieve, they now need something from their children—they need them to do their homework and be a success. I believe this need puts you in a powerless position as a parent because your child doesn’t have to give you what you want.

The battle about homework becomes a battle over control. Your child starts fighting to have more control over the choices in their life, while you feel that your job as a parent is to be in control of things. So you both fight harder, and it turns into a war in your home.

Over the years, I’ve talked to many parents who are in the trenches with their kids, and I’ve seen firsthand that there are many creative ways kids rebel when it comes to schoolwork. Your child might forget to do their homework, do their homework but not hand it in, do it sloppily or carelessly, or not study properly for their test. These are just a few ways that kids try to hold onto the little control they have.

When this starts happening, parents feel more and more out of control, so they punish, nag, threaten, and argue. Some parents stop trying altogether to get their children to do homework. Or, and this is common, parents will over-function for their kids by doing the work for them.

Now the battle is in full swing: reactivity is heightened as anxiety is elevated—and homework gets lost in the shuffle. The hard truth for parents is that you cannot make your children do anything, let alone homework. But what you can do is to set limits, respect their individual choices, and help motivate them to motivate themselves.

You might be thinking to yourself, “You don’t know my child. I can’t motivate him to do anything.” Many parents tell me that their children are not motivated to do their work. I believe that children are motivated—they just may not be motivated the way you’d like them to be. Keep reading for some concrete tips to help you guide them in their work without having to nag, threaten, or fight with them.

Also, keep in mind that if you carry more of the worry, fear, disappointments, and concern than your child does about their work, ask yourself, “What’s wrong with this picture, and how did this happen?” Remember, as long as you carry their concerns, they don’t have to.

Stop the Nightly Fights

The way you can stop fighting with your kids over homework every night is to stop fighting with them tonight. Disengage from the dance. Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Stay focused on your job, which is to help your child do their job. Don’t do it for them.

If you feel frustrated, take a break from helping your child with homework. Your blood pressure on the rise is a no-win for everyone. Take five or ten minutes to calm down, and let your child do the same if you feel a storm brewing.

Create Structure Around Homework Time

Set limits around homework time. Here are a few possibilities that I’ve found to be effective with families:

• Homework is done at the same time each night.
• Homework is done in a public area of your house.
• If grades are failing or falling, take away screen time so your child can focus and have more time to concentrate on their work.
• Make it the rule that weekend activities don’t happen until work is completed. Homework comes first. As James Lehman says, “The weekend doesn’t begin until homework is done.”

Let Your Child Make Their Own Choices

I recommend that your child be free to make their own choices within the parameters you set around schoolwork. You need to back off a bit as a parent. Otherwise, you won’t be helping them with their responsibilities.

If you take too much control over the situation, it will backfire on you by turning into a power struggle. And believe me, you don’t want a power struggle over homework. I’ve seen many kids purposely do poorly just to show their parents who’s in charge. I’ve also seen children who complied to ease their parents’ anxiety, but these same kids never learned to think and make choices for themselves.

Let Your Child Own the Consequences of Their Choices

I’m a big believer in natural consequences when it comes to schoolwork. Within the structure you set up, your child has some choices. They can choose to do their homework or not. And they can choose to do it well and with effort or not. The natural consequences will come from their choices—if they don’t choose to do their work, their grades will drop.

When that happens, you can ask them some honest questions:

“Are you satisfied with how things are going?”

“What do you want to do about your grade situation?”

“How can I be helpful to you?”

Be careful not to be snarky or judgmental. Just ask the question honestly. Show honest concern and try not to show disappointment.

Intervene Without Taking Control

The expectation is that homework is done to the best of your child’s ability. When they stop making an effort, and you see their grades drop, that’s when you invite yourself in. You can say:

“It’s my job to help you do your job better. I’m going to help you set up a plan to help yourself, and I will check in to make sure you’re following it.”

Set up a plan with your child’s input to get them back on their feet. For example, the new rules might be that homework must be done in a public place in your home until they get their grades back up. You and your child might meet with the teacher to discuss disciplinary actions should their grades continue to drop.

In other words, you will help your child get back on track by putting a concrete plan in place. And when you see this change, you can step back out of it. But before that, your child is going to sit in a public space and you’re going to monitor their work.

You’re also checking in more. Depending on your child’s age, you’re making sure that things are checked off before they go out. You’re adding a half-hour of review time for their subjects every day. And then, each day after school, they’re checking with their teacher or going for some extra help.

Remember, this plan is not a punishment—it’s a practical way of helping your child to do their best.

“I Don’t Care about Bad Grades!”

Many parents will say that their kids just don’t care about their grades. My guess is that somewhere inside, they do care. “I don’t care” also becomes part of a power struggle.

In other words, your child is saying, “I’m not going to care because you can’t make me. You don’t own my life.” And they’re right. The truth is, you can’t make them care. Instead, focus on what helps their behavior improve. And focus more on their actions and less on their attitude because it’s the actions that matter the most.

Motivation Comes From Ownership

It’s important to understand that caring and motivation come from ownership. You can help your child be motivated by allowing them to own their life more.

So let them own their disappointment over their grades. Don’t feel it more than they do. Let them choose what they will do or not do about their homework and face the consequences of those choices. Now they will begin to feel ownership, which may lead to caring.

Let them figure out what motivates them, not have them motivated by fear of you. Help guide them, but don’t prevent them from feeling the real-life consequences of bad choices. Think of it this way: it’s better for your child to learn from those consequences at age ten by failing their grade and having to go to summer school than for them to learn at age 25 by losing their job.

When Your Child Has a Learning Disability

I want to note that it’s very important that you check to see that there are no other learning issues around your child’s refusal to do homework. If they’re having difficulty doing the work or are performing below grade-level expectations, they should be tested to rule out any learning disabilities or other concerns.

If there is a learning disability, your child may need more help. For example, some kids need a little more guidance; you may need to sit near your child and help a little more. You can still put structures into place depending on who your child is.

But be careful. Many times, kids with learning disabilities get way too much help and develop what psychologists call learned helplessness . Be sure you’re not over-functioning for your learning disabled child by doing their work for them or filling in answers when they’re capable of thinking through them themselves.

The Difference Between Guidance and Over-Functioning

Your child needs guidance from you, but understand that guidance does not mean doing their spelling homework for them. Rather, it’s helping them review their words. When you cross the line into over-functioning, you take on your child’s work and put their responsibilities on your shoulders. So you want to guide them by helping them edit their book report themselves or helping them take the time to review before a test. Those can be good ways of guiding your child, but anything more than that is taking too much ownership of their work.

If your child asks for help, you can coach them. Suggest that they speak with their teacher on how to be a good student and teach them those communication skills. In other words, show them how to help themselves. So you should not back off altogether—it’s that middle ground that you’re looking for. That’s why I think it’s essential to set up a structure. And within that structure, you expect your child to do what they have to do to be a good student.

Focus on Your Own Goals

When you start over-focusing on your child’s work, pause and think about your own goals and what do you need to get done to achieve those goals. Model your own persistence and perseverance to your child.

Believe In Your Child

I also tell parents to start believing in their children. Don’t keep looking at your child as a fragile creature who can’t do the work. I think we often come to the table with fear and doubt—we think if we don’t help our kids, they’re just not going to do it.

But as much as you say, “I’m just trying to help you,” what your child hears is, “You’re a failure; I don’t believe you can do it on your own.”

Instead, your message should be, “I know you can do it. And I believe in you enough to let you make your own choices and deal with the consequences.”

Related content: What Can I Do When My Child Refuses to Go to School? “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork

For more information on the concept of learned helplessness in psychology and behavior, we recommend the following articles:

Psychology Today: Learned Helplessness

VeryWell Mind: What Is Learned Helplessness and Why Does it Happen?

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Frank My daughter Nina just turned 8 (Feb 11). She does not like to do homework one bit. Her teacher gives her homework every day except Friday. She loves Fridays because she doesn't like homework. She always hides her homework under her bed, refuses to do her homework, and in the More morning she tells her teacher "I lost it last night and can't find it!". She feels homework is a waste of time, yes, we all feel that way, but poor Nina needs to learn that homework is important to help you stay smart. She needs to start doing homework. How can I make her 2nd-grade brain know that homework is actually good? Is there a way to make her love, love, LOVE homework? Let me know.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. In addition to the tips in More the article above, it may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing these particular issues with your cousins, such as their doctor or their teachers. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I hear you. Homework can be a challenging, frustrating time in many families even under the best of circumstances, so you are not alone. When kids struggle with a subject, it can be even more difficult to get assignments completed. Although you didn’t indicate that your daughter More has ADHD, you might find some helpful tips in Why School is Hard for Kids with ADHD—and How You Can Help . Author Anna Stewart outlines techniques that can be useful to help make homework more interesting for kids with a variety of learning challenges in this article. You might also consider checking in with your daughter’s teacher, as s/he might have some additional ideas for engaging your daughter in her homework. Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.

So, after reading this I get to say…GREAT…You really do not know my child.  We have done 100% of everything listed in this article.  In the end, my son has utterly declared “I DON’T CARE, AND I DON’T NEED SCHOOL”.  We have attempted a “reward” system as well, and that doesn’t work.  He cares about 3 or 4 things.  Nintendo DS, Lego, K’Nex, TV…all of those he has lost over the past year.  Now he reads, ALL the time.  Fine, but that doesn’t get his homework done.  It also doesn’t get anything else he needs to do done.  We’ve done “task boards”, we’ve done “Reward Systems”, we’ve done the “What is on your list to complete”.  EVERYTHING is met with either a full fledged meltdown (think 2 year old…on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying).  His IMMEDIATE response to ANYTHING that may interrupt him is “NO” or worse.  If something doesn’t go his way directly he throws a fit INSTANTLY, even if the response is “Give me a second” it’s NOW OR I’M DESTROYING SOMETHING.  He’s been suspended multiple times for his anger issues, and he’s only 10.  Unfortuantely we have no family history as he was adopted from Russia.  His “formal” diagnosis are ADHD and Anxiety.  I’m thinking there is something much more going on.  BTW: He did have an IQ test and that put him at 145 for Spacial and Geometric items, with a 136 for written and language.  His composite was 139, which puts him in the genius category, but he’s failing across the board…because he refuses to do the work.

Interesting article and comments. Our son (6th grade) was early diagnosed as ADHD and for the first 3 years of elementary school several of his teachers suggested he might require special education. But then the school counseling staff did a workup and determined that his IQ is 161 and from that point forward his classroom antics were largely tolerated as “eccentric”.  He has now moved to middle school (6th grade) and while his classroom participation seems to be satisfactory to all teachers, he has refused to do approximately 65% of his homework so far this school year. We have tried talking with him, reasoning with him, removing screen time, offering cash payments (which he lectures us as being unethical “bribes”), offering trips, offering hobbies and sporting events, and just about anything we can think of. Our other children have all been through the “talented and gifted” programs, but he simply refuses to participate in day-to-day school work. His fall report card was pretty much solid “F” or “O” grades. He may be bored out of his mind, or he may have some other issues. Unfortunately, home schooling is not an option, and neither is one of the $40,000 per year local private schools which may or may not be in a better position to deal with his approach to school.  Do “learning centers” work for kids like this? Paying somebody else to force him to do his homework seems like a coward’s solution but I am nearly at the end of my rope! Thanks..

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport 12yokosuka Many parents struggle with staying calm when their child is acting out and screaming, so you are not alone.  It tends to be effective to set up a structured time for kids to do their homework and study, and they can earn a privilege if they comply and meet More their responsibilities.  What this might look like for your daughter is that if she studies, she can earn her phone that day.  If she refuses, and chooses to argue or scream at you instead, then she doesn’t earn her phone that day and has another chance the next day.  You can read more about this in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/.  If you are also looking for resources to help you stay calm, I encourage you to check out our articles, blogs, and other resources on https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/parenting-strategies-techniques/calm-parenting/.  Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

Scott carcione 

I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you are experiencing with your

son.I also hear the different

approaches you and your ex are taking toward parenting your son.While it would be ideal if you were able to

find common ground, and present a consistent, united response to your son’s

choices, in the end, you can only https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-after-divorce-9-ways-to-parent-on-your-own-terms/.At

this point, it might be useful to meet with the school to discuss how you can

work together to hold your son accountable for his actions, such as receiving a

poor grade if he refuses to do his work.Janet Lehman discusses this more in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-your-child-has-problems-at-school-6-tips-for-parents/.Take care.

It can be so challenging when your child is acting out at school, yet does

not act that way at home.One strategy I

recommend is talking with your son at home about his behavior at school.During this conversation, I encourage you to

address his choices, and come up with a specific plan for what he can do differently

to follow the rules.I also recommend

working with his teachers, and discussing how you can assist them in helping

your son to follow the rules.You might

find additional useful tips in our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/acting-out-in-school-when-your-child-is-the-class-troublemaker/.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your son.Take care.

I hear you.It can be so challenging

when your young child is having outbursts like this.A lot of young children tend to act out and

have tantrums when they are experiencing a big transition, such as starting a

new school or adjusting to having a younger sibling, so you are not alone.Something that can be helpful is to set up

clear structure and expectations around homework, as Janet Lehman points out in

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-child-refuses-to-do-homework-heres-how-to-stop-the-struggle/.I also encourage you to set aside some time

for you to have https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/attention-seeking-behavior-in-young-children-dos-and-donts-for-parents/ with your daughter as well.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your family.Take care.

JoJoSuma I am having the exact same problem with my 9 year old son. His grades are quickly falling and I have no idea why or where to begin with helping him turn things around. When he applies himself he receives score of 80% or higher, and when he doesn't it clearly shows and he receives failing scores. He, too, says that he doesn't do or want to do the work because it is boring, or that he "Forgot" or "lost it". He has started to become a disruption to the class and at this rate I am afraid that he will have to repeat 5th grade. I am also a single parent so my frustration is at an all time high. You are not alone and I wish you and your family the best.

Thank you so much for these tips RebeccaW_ParentalSupport because I SERIOUSLY had nowhere to turn and no clue where to begin. I have cried many nights feeling like I was losing control. I will try your tips and see where things go from here.

It’s not uncommon

for kids to avoid doing homework, chores or other similar tasks.  After

all, homework can be boring or difficult, and most people (both kids and adults

alike) tend to prefer activities which are enjoyable or fun.  This does

not mean that you cannot address this with your daughter, though. 

Something which can be helpful for many families is to set up a structured

homework time, and to require that your daughter complete her homework in order

to earn a privilege later on that evening.  You can read about this, and

other tips, in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and

your daughter.  Take care.

Thestruggleisreal I'm just now signing up for these articles, I'm struggling with my 12 year and school work, she just doesn't want to do it, she has no care I'm world to do, she is driving me crazy over not doing, I hate to see her More fail, but I don't know what to do

FamilyMan888 

I can hear how much your

daughter’s education means to you, and the additional difficulties you are

facing as a result of her learning disabilities.  You make a great point

that you cannot force her to do her work, or get additional help, and I also

understand your concern that getting her teachers to “make” her do these things

at school might create more conflict there as well.  As James Lehman

points out in his article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stop-the-blame-game-how-to-teach-your-child-to-stop-making-excuses-and-start-taking-responsibility/, lowering your expectations for your daughter due to her

diagnosis is probably not going to be effective either.  Instead, what you

might try is involving her in the https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/, and asking her what she thinks she needs, and what she will do

differently, to meet classroom expectations.  Please be sure to write back

and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

tvllpit Very effective to  kids age of 5, 7, and 11 years old. Thank you for sharing your idea.

Thank you for

your question.  You are correct that we recommend setting up a structured

time for kids to do homework, yet not getting into a power struggle with them

if they refuse to do their work during that time.  It could be useful to

talk with your 11 year old about what makes it difficult to follow through with

doing homework at that time, and perhaps experimenting with doing homework at

another time to see if that works more effectively.  In the end, though,

if your child is simply refusing to do the work, then we recommend giving a

consequence and avoiding a power struggle.  Megan Devine details this

process more in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

jovi916 I'm a mother to a 10 year old 5th grader. Since 3rd grade I've been struggling with homework. That first year, I thought it was just lack of consistency since my children go between mine and dad's house. I tried setting some sort of system up with More the teacher to get back on track, but the teacher said it was the child's responsibility to get the hw done. This year has been esp. Difficult. He stopped doing hw, got an F, so I got on him. He stared turning half done work, but same grades so I still got on him. Grades went up, I loosened up, then he stopped with in school work. Now it's back to not turning anything in, even big projects and presentations. He had never really been allowed to watch tv, but now it's a definite no, I took his Legos away, took him out of sports. Nothing is working. He's basically sitting at the table every night, and all weekend long in order to get caught up with missing assignments. I'm worried, and next year he'll be in middle school. I try setting an example by studying in front of him. My daughter just does her homework and gets good grades. Idk what to do.

I can hear your concern. Academic achievement is important

to most parents and when your children seem to be struggling to complete their

work and get good grades, it can be distressing. Ultimately, your childrens’

school work and grades are their responsibility. You shouldn’t have to quit

your own studies in order to help them improve theirs. The above article gives

some great tips for helping motivate your children to complete their homework.

We do have a couple other articles you may also find useful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/10-ways-to-motivate-your-child-to-do-better-in-school/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/sinking-fast-at-school-how-to-help-your-child-stay-afloat/. We appreciate you

writing in and hope you find the information useful. Take care.

RNM I have the exact same issues with my 8 year old. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. He's a smart kid, he just doesn't seem to care to do his homework let alone if he gets a bad grade as a result. He hates reading, but does More very well in spelling and science. Homework is an issue nightly and the teacher pulled me aside today to tell me again how much he talks in class and that now he isn't writing down his assignments and is missing 3 assignments this week. SMH, I don't know what to do anymore other than to coach him (some more) and take away basketball if he doesn't do his homework.

What?  "Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Refuse to get pulled in by the school.."  I do not see the logic or benefit of this advice.  Homework, by definition, is the responsibility of the student and parent (NOT the teacher).  The teacher does not live at the student's home or run the house.  

In my opinion, the lack of parental involvement with academics often causes the low student performance evident across the U.S.  I do not agree with advocating for even LESS parental involvement.

I completely agree with you. Parental, or adult, engagement at home can be a deal-maker/breaker when it comes to student performance. I subscribe to theories that differ from the author's.

First, if an adult is involved with the child and his activities, then the child will commonly react with "hey, somebody cares about me" leading to an increased sense of self-worth. A sense of caring about one's-self leads to caring about grades and other socially acceptable behaviors (Maslow).

Secondly, I am a FIRM believer in the techniques of behavior modification through positive reinforcement (Karen Pryor). It's up to an invested adult to determine what motivates the student and use those motivators to shape and reinforce desirable behavior such as daily homework completion. A classroom teacher has too many students and too little time to apply this theory.

Letting a child sink or swim by himself is a bad idea. Children have only one childhood; there are no do-overs.

And yes, children are work.

Many experience similar feelings of being at fault when

their child fails, so, you’re not alone. Truth of the matter is, allowing your

child to experience natural consequences of their actions by allowing them to

fail gives them the opportunity to look at themselves and change their

behavior.  We have a couple articles I think you may find helpful: When You Should Let Your Child Fail: The Benefits of Natural Consequences & 5 Natural Consequences You Should Let Your Child Face . Good luck to you and

your family moving forward. Take care.

hao hao It is so true, we can't control our children's home. It is their responsibility. But they don't care it. What can we do it?

indusreepradeep

How great it is that you want to help your brother be more

productive with his homework. He’s lucky to have a sibling who cares about him

and wants him to be successful. Because we are a website aimed at helping

parents develop better ways of managing acting out behavior, we are limited in

the advice we can offer you as his sibling. There is a website that may be able

to offer you some suggestions. http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/

is a website aimed at helping teens and young adults figure out ways of dealing

with challenges they may be facing in their lives. They offer several ways of

getting support, such as by e-mail or text, through an online forum and chat,

and also a call in helpline. You can check out what they have to offer at http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/. Good luck

to you and your family moving forward. Take care.

Kathleenann indusreepradeep

Thank you so much for your humble support....

It sounds like you have done a lot

of work to try to help your daughter achieve her educational goals, and it’s

normal to feel frustrated when she does not seem to be putting in the same

amount of effort.  It can be useful to keep your focus on whether your

daughter is doing her work, and to keep that separate from whether she “cares”

about doing her work.  Ultimately, it is up to your daughter to do her

work, regardless of how she appears to feel about it.  To that end, we

recommend working with the various local supports you have in place, such as

her therapists and others on her IEP team, to talk about what could be useful

to motivate your daughter to do her school work.  Because individuals with

autism can vary greatly with their abilities, it’s going to be more effective

to work closely with the professionals who are familiar with your daughter’s

strengths and level of functioning in order to develop a plan to address this

issue.  Thank you so much for writing in; we wish you and your daughter

all the best as you continue to address her difficulties with school. 

is there a blog for parents that went to Therapeutic boarding schooling for their adolescent?

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

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How to End Homework Battles

Do you find yourself in a nightly battle with your child over homework? Are you tired of seemingly endless numbers of multiplication problems and geography questions plaguing you every night? Don't let it get the best of you. Here are some tips to help end the battle once and for all.

1. Strike Up a Discussion

You may have encountered a few battles with your child, but have you actually had a calm and productive discussion about it? That's your first step. "In an age appropriate way, have a discussion with them," says Aricia E. Shaffer, MSE , parenting coach. Listen to your child first and her him out. Then, ask him to create a schedule that works for him. Would it be better to get the work done before or after dinner? What sorts of things can he look forward to doing once he gets his work done? Would he rather do it all in one go, or would he rather take a break every 30 to 60 minutes? "Work it out with them. If they're involved in decision-making process, they're more likely to follow through," says Shaffer.

2. Create a Homework Station

3. Give 'Em a Snack

Make sure your child isn't hungry or thirsty before getting started. "We've all tried to power through something that requires brain power while we're exhausted and famished. It doesn't end well for us and it's even worse for kids," says Shaffer. Provide a healthy snack and some water to help give your kid the energy to get the task done.

4. Stand Up for Your Kid

Don't be afraid to stand up for your child if necessary - or help them stand up for themselves - when appropriate, advises Shaffer. "When a second grader has three hours of work each night, that's a concern to discuss with the school," she says. What's a good rule of thumb? Probably about 10 minutes per grade level per night. So, a second grader should probably have 20 minutes of homework. If you feel that the amount of work your child has to complete each night is out of hand, contact his teacher and ask for a conference.

Homework shouldn't be a nightly battle. Instead, work with your kid to make it a more pleasant experience to help them enjoy the process of learning and studying at home.

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Homework Battles? Conquer with Homework Charts and Organization Tips

Homework battles can be a common struggle for both parents and students alike. The pressure of completing assignments on time and the constant demand for academic excellence can often lead to stress and tension within the household. However, with the right tools and strategies, these battles can be conquered, leading to a more productive and positive homework experience. One such tool that has proven to be effective is the use of homework charts and organization tips.

Homework charts are visual aids that help students keep track of their assignments, due dates, and progress. These charts can be customized to suit individual preferences and academic needs. By having a clear and organized representation of their homework tasks, students are better able to prioritize their workload and manage their time efficiently. This proactive approach not only reduces the likelihood of assignments being forgotten or left until the last minute but also helps in developing valuable organizational skills.

Tips for Creating Your Chart

To create a homework chart, start by dividing it into sections based on subjects or days of the week. Within each section, list the specific assignments or tasks to be completed. As each task is completed, it can be checked off, providing a sense of accomplishment and motivation. It is important to involve the student in the creation and maintenance of the chart, as this encourages their ownership and responsibility towards their homework.

In addition to homework charts, establishing a homework routine and setting realistic goals can greatly contribute to homework success. Creating a consistent study routin e helps students develop regular habits and a mindset geared towards academic achievement. Designating a quiet and well-lit workspace, free from distractions, can further enhance focus and productivity. Encourage students to break down their assignments into smaller, manageable tasks, and set realistic goals for completion. Celebrating small victories along the way can boost motivation and confidence, making the overall homework experience more enjoyable.

Furthermore, it is crucial for parents and guardians to provide adequate support and assistance to their children when it comes to homework. However, it is important to strike a balance between providing guidance and allowing independence. Allowing students to take ownership of their homework tasks fosters a sense of responsibility and self-reliance. Additionally, parents should communicate regularly with teachers to stay informed about assignments and any areas where their child may be struggling. This open line of communication ensures that proper support is given, and issues can be addressed promptly.

While homework battles can be challenging, implementing homework charts and organization tips can significantly reduce stress and help students navigate through their academic responsibilities more efficiently. These tools not only instill valuable organizational and time management skills but also create a sense of pride and accomplishment in completing tasks. By fostering a positive homework environment and providing the necessary support, parents and students can conquer homework battles together. Remember, with the right tools and strategies, homework battles can be transformed into moments of growth and success.

Helpful Resources

For awesome free videos and other helpful materials to improve study skills and help with tough school subjects be sure to visit the Kahn Academy .

Homework Planner: Cute Weekly Student Homework Organizer & Diary For Kids And Teens Daily Planner For Kids | Self Help with the checklist and reminders for School going kids | Helps for Children with ADHD and Working Memory Problems Help Your Kids with Study Skills: A Unique Step-by-Step Visual Guide The Learning Habit: A Groundbreaking Approach to Homework and Parenting that Helps Our Children Succeed in School and Life

About The Author

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Battles over homework: advice for parents.

Guidelines for helping children develop self-discipline with their homework

Many parents accept this conflict with their children as an unavoidable consequence of responsible parenting. These battles, however, rarely result in improved learning or performance in school. More often than not, battles over homework lead to vicious cycles of nagging by parents and avoidance or refusal by children, with no improvement in a child’s school performance — and certainly no progress toward what should be our ultimate goals: helping children enjoy learning and develop age-appropriate discipline and independence with respect to their schoolwork.

Before I present a plan for reducing battles over homework, it is important to begin with this essential reminder:

The solution to the problem of homework always begins with an accurate diagnosis and a recognition of the demands placed on your child. Parents should never assume that a child who resists doing homework is “lazy.”

Every child whose parents or teachers report ongoing resistance to completing schoolwork or homework; every child whose performance in school is below expectations based on his parents’ or teachers’ intuitive assessment of his intellectual potential; and every child who, over an extended period of time, complains that he “hates school” or “hates reading,” should be evaluated for the presence of an attention or learning disorder.

These children are not lazy. Your child may be anxious, frustrated, discouraged, distracted, or angry — but this is not laziness. I frequently explain to parents that, as a psychologist, the word lazy is not in my dictionary. Lazy, at best, is a description, not an explanation.

For children with learning difficulties, doing their homework is like running with a sprained ankle: It is possible, although painful, and he will look for ways to avoid or postpone this painful and discouraging task.

A Homework Plan

Homework, like any constructive activity, involves moments of frustration, discouragement, and anxiety. If you begin with some appreciation of your child’s frustration and discouragement, you will be better able to put in place a structure that helps him learn to work through his frustration – to develop increments of frustration tolerance and self-discipline.

I offer families who struggle with this problem a Homework Plan:

• Set aside a specified — and limited — time for homework. Establish, early in the evening, a homework hour.

• For most children, immediately after school is not the best time for homework. This is a time for sports, for music and drama, and free play.

• During the homework hour, all electronics are turned off — for the entire family.

• Work is done in a communal place, at the kitchen or dining room table. Contrary to older conventional wisdom, most elementary school children are able to work more much effectively in a common area, with an adult and even other children present, than in the “quiet” of their rooms.

• Parents may do their own ”homework” during this time, but they are present and continually available to help, to offer encouragement, and to answer children’s questions. Your goal is to create, to the extent possible, a library atmosphere in your home, again, for a specified and limited period of time. Ideally, therefore, parents should not make or receive telephone calls during this hour. And when homework is done, there is time for play.

• Begin with a reasonable — a doable — amount of time set aside for homework. If your child is unable to work for 20 minutes, begin with 10 minutes. Then try 15 minutes the next week. Acknowledge every increment of effort, however small.

• Be positive and give frequent encouragement. Make note of every improvement, not every mistake.

• Be generous with your praise. Praise their effort, not their innate ability. But do not be afraid of praise.

• Anticipate setbacks. After a difficult day, reset for the following day.

• Give them time. A child’s difficulty completing homework begins as a problem of frustration and discouragement, but it is then complicated by defiant attitudes and feelings of unfairness. A homework plan will begin to reduce these defiant attitudes, but this will not happen overnight.

Most families have found these suggestions helpful, especially for elementary school children. Establishing a homework hour allows parents to move away from a language of threats (“If you don’t … you won’t be able to …”) to a language of opportunities (“When” or “As soon as you have finished … we’ll have a chance to …”).

Of course, for many hurried families, there are complications and potential glitches in implementing any homework plan. It is often difficult, with children’s many activities, to find a consistent time for homework. Some flexibility — some amendments to the plan — may be required. But we should not use the complications of scheduling or other competing demands as an excuse, a reason not to establish the structure of a reasonable homework routine.

(Originally published on PsychologyToday.com)

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How to Stop Homework Battles

The sighs of parents everywhere signal the seemingly inevitable homework tug-of-wars. Who hasn’t wondered, “Why can’t he just sit down and finish his work?” or “Should I remind him again about the science test?” Leapfrogging over homework hurdles can be especially tricky if you live with one of the kids described below.

Remember that homework hassles are often discipline problems in disguise. Defuse the power struggles by following the cardinal rules of discipline in general: set limits that are reasonable — and stick to them when it’s realistic.

The Perfectionist

To a certain extent, perfectionists just can’t help it: “We all have our temperamental predispositions — ways of relating to the world that are biologically linked — and this is one of them,” says Melanie J. Katzman, Ph.D., associate clinical professor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medical School in New York City. “Perfectionism can be a wonderful thing to pass on to your child, so parents shouldn’t feel badly about it. But carried to an extreme, it can become debilitating. Perfectionist kids may anticipate that they will never be able to meet their own high standards, so why bother?” To keep your child from getting gridlocked while doing homework, set a realistic example (by handling your own mistakes with composure) and praise effort, not grades.

The Procrastinator

The Procrastinator finds 201 things to do before she actually sits down and starts her homework. Often, she waits until the last minute, then rushes through it. Sometimes the procrastinator will throw you a bone: she’ll gladly do her homework, as long as you’re right there beside her. That’s okay if you’re willing, and if your child is young — but eventually, she will need to be more independent.A child who procrastinates may do so for myriad reasons: she may be disorganized or have poor study or planning skills, or she may be anxious or angry about something at home or at school, in which case you need to play detective and talk to her, her teacher, or a school psychologist to determine why. To help, work with your child to set goals she can meet and to come up with a mutually agreeable homework schedule.

The Disorganized Child

The disorganized child is always “just about” to sit down and start his homework, but then . . . well, something comes up. Since his reasons for his inability to complete his homework often seem so logical, you’re thrown off guard. Should you give him the benefit of the doubt? Or is he just taking you down the same old road?

You could tear all your hair out over the antics of a child who’s disorganized — and he still won’t be able to do what he needs to do. Sometimes, the problem may be a learning challenge. Sometimes, it’s as simple as providing a reasonably quiet, efficient workspace, or teaching him to organize homework materials, allocate time, and gather information. The trouble is, if you’re always supplying the information, reminding them to study, or rushing that forgotten paper to school, you undermine the whole purpose of homework. And the disorganized child will never gain the confidence he needs to do things for himself.

The Underachiever

Parents of underachievers often hear the lament “I’m dumb” or “It’s just too hard” from their perfectly capable kids. And they often hear it around 4th or 5th grade, when the amount of homework intensifies. Students must get used to stashing their gear in a locker, as well as the different styles of different teachers for each subject. To get your child who’s underachieving in motion, you need to be a cheerleader.

Needless to say, if your child is genuinely unable to do the homework, you, in tandem with his teacher or school psychologist, must figure out why and enlist the help he needs. A learning difficulty or anxiety over problems at home may be affecting schoolwork. Or perhaps the work is below his level and he needs more challenging assignments. By addressing homework problems early, you prevent them from mushrooming.

Source: https://www.scholastic.com/parents/school-success/homework-help/homework-project-tips/stop-homework-struggles.html

Kids' Eye Problems Often Emerge in Homework Battle

WASHINGTON (AP) — Your 9-year-old's eyes hurt during homework? Your teen's a slow reader plagued with headaches? They may have a common yet often missed vision problem: Eyes that don't turn together properly to read.

As many as one of every 20 students have some degree of what eye doctors call "convergence insufficiency," or CI, where eye muscles must work harder to focus up-close. And those standard vision screenings administered by schools and pediatricians won't catch it — they stress distance vision.

When symptoms such as eye strain, headaches, double vision or reading problems trigger the right diagnosis, doctors prescribe any of a hodgepodge of exercises designed to strengthen eye coordination. Now a major government study finally offers evidence for the best approach: Eye training performed in a doctor's office for 12 weeks.

The right treatment can make a profound difference, says Adele Andrews of Rydal, Pa., whose son Thomas participated in the study when he was 10 — and improved enough to at last start reading for fun.

His mother knew something wasn't right early on: Reading seemed to require a physical struggle of Thomas that his three older siblings never experienced.

"He always wanted to buy books but he wouldn't read them. He wanted to but it was too hard for him," she recalls.

Then homework began and "I don't even want to tell you how bad it was," Andrews adds. "He would get frustrated. He wouldn't do it. ... I tried bribery, I tried everything. It got to the point where it was just a battle."

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Why? To bring print or other close-in work into focus, both eyes must turn slightly inward, or converge. As its name implies, convergence insufficiency means the eyes aren't doing that properly. Words may appear blurry or double, or disappear as readers lose their place. How much extra effort eye muscles must exert to compensate and bring that image into focus determines whether someone has obvious symptoms and how bad they are.

Complaints are rare in very young children because pictures and large type don't require as much convergence. Parents tend to start noticing a problem once homework and deeper reading begins. Some people complain only in the teen or college years, perhaps when their workload outpaces their ability to compensate. Others find they can read with one eye closed and do fine.

Nor does everyone experience obvious symptoms. How many compensate enough that CI truly doesn't matter — and how many quietly try to avoid reading? No one knows.

Dr. Mitchell Scheiman of the Pennsylvania College of Optometry at Salus University is suspicious when a child's "behavior is, 'I don't want to read, I don't like reading, I can't concentrate." His advice then: "Just rule it out."

Diagnosis requires seeing an ophthalmologist or optometrist trained to treat children who can measure convergence with some simple tests such as moving a pencil steadily closer to the nose until the person sees double.

But which treatment works best: The most commonly prescribed "pencil push-ups," practicing that pencil-to-nose test at home? At-home computer eye games? Or more varied eye exercises, including computer-based ones, performed in a doctor's office with at-home techniques for reinforcement?

A study funded by the National Eye Institute aimed to find out, by randomly assigning 221 9- to 17-year-olds to one of those approaches or to a control group given "dummy" exercises at the doctor's office.

Three months later, nearly three-quarters of the office-treated patients had greatly improved — compared with no more than 43 percent of home-treated patients, Scheiman and colleagues report in this month's Archives of Ophthalmology. The study will continue tracking patients for a year, to ensure the benefit lasts.

At roughly $75 a visit, office treatment is clearly more expensive. Why would it work better? First, they got more intense treatment. The NEI's Dr. Brian Brooks says a combination of more varied in-office exercises may hold a child's attention better — along with a doctor acting like a personal trainer, ensuring the youngster does each technique properly and doesn't slack off.

What's not clear is the more intricate in-office techniques could be adapted for home use and work just as well, he cautions.

But Andrews witnessed the difference between the two techniques as they're practiced today. Thomas was originally assigned to pencil push-ups but improved only slightly. After his 12 study weeks were over, researchers switched him to office-based treatment — and his mother saw a rapid lessening of the homework battles.

Today at 13, Thomas has "become pretty serious about his schoolwork," says a relieved Andrews. "He's going to do OK."

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Screen Rant

The true story of 300's battle of thermopylae.

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300 Cast & Character Guide

The true story of 300: rise of an empire's battles of artemisium & salamis, 300 ending explained.

Zack Snyder's dip into ancient Greek history in 300 focused on the Battle of Thermopylae, but the true story had a few details the movie left out or changed. 300 depicts the legendary Battle of Thermopylae, a decisive moment in the Greco-Persian War. The Battle of Thermopylae has long been the stuff of legend, and King Leonidas has become a worldwide symbol of bravery and courage. Leonidas stood against the invading Persian army, led by King Xerxes I, and though he met his demise there, he now lives on forever through history.

300 was one of Zack Snyder's best movies , and one that rocketed him into fame. After 300 's success, he made a few very prominent films, like Watchmen and, eventually, Man of Steel and Justice League . It's easy to see why Snyder's second feature-length film became so popular: 300 is filled with memorable quotes and intense action scenes that make it a thrilling movie. While it's certainly a good action movie, 300 also deviated from the true - and remarkable - story of the Battle of Thermopylae.

From Gerard Butler to Lena Headey, Zack Snyder's 300 features an impressive cast that brings the story’s drama and action-packed spectacle to life.

The Battle Of Thermopylae Was Mainly Between the Spartan & Persian Armies

Understandably, the soldiers who fought in Battle of Thermopylae were much more varied and complex than 300 depicted. While the bulk of the fighting forces at Thermopylae were Spartan and Persian, the Spartans were joined by Greek troops from various other Greek city states, like Arcadia, Boeotia, and others. In terms of strength, the Greek forces had about 7,000 troops (via Reed University ), while the Persian King Xerxes I commanded somewhere between 70,000 and 300,000 men (via Encyclopedia Britannica ). Though the Greek forces were heavily outnumbered, they benefited from the terrain of Thermopylae.

Thermopylae is a mountain pass along the Eastern shore of Greece, near the Malian Gulf. There were three main bottlenecks along that pass, known as the Hot Gates due to the hot springs located there. The Hot Gates were only about 100 meters wide at the time, which meant that the Greeks could effectively form a wall there and only allow a few hundred Persians to attack at a time . That effectively eliminated the Persian's size advantage, and the Greek phalanx formation meant they could hold out indefinitely by using their spears and shields as a nearly impenetrable barrier.

300: Rise of an Empire focuses on some major parts of the Greco-Persian War, but how accurate is it to the historical truth of its battles?

It's also important to note that the Battle of Thermopylae was only one conflict in a larger war, the Greco-Persian War, and that it hinged upon another battle. The Spartans and Greeks at Thermopylae were supported by another group of Greek warriors, mainly Athenians, who held back the Persian navy at the natural bottleneck near Artemisium . The Greek forces at the Battle of Artemisium, which was depicted in 300: Rise of an Empire , kept the Spartans safe from naval attacks, and they were critical in allowing the Spartans to hold out for so long.

Greco-Persian Wars: When The Battle Of Thermopylae Took Place

The Battle of Thermopylae was a decisive moment in the Greco-Persian Wars, but it wasn't the first or last confrontation of the conflict. The Greco-Persian wars began 11 years before 300 took place, in 491 BCE . In that year, the Persian ruler at the time, Darius I, sent messengers to announce the invasion to the Greek city states, and the messengers sent to Athens and Sparta were killed in response. The first Persian invasion ended at the Battle of Marathon in 490 BCE, where Darius I was killed.

Ten years after the Battle of Marathon, King Xerxes I began the second invasion of Greece. Thus, the Battle of Thermopylae and 300 both took place in 480 BCE . That was also the year the Battle of Artemisium featured in 300: Rise of an Empire took place, which was happening at the same time as the Battle of Thermopylae. Because of the Spartan efforts at Thermopylae and the Athenian efforts at Artemisium, the Battle of Salamis was a decisive Greek victory, and the second Persian invasion of Greece ended just a year later, in 479 BCE.

Notable Figures Involved In The Battle Of Thermopylae

One of the things 300 depicts most faithfully about the Battle of Thermopylae is the key figures involved in the conflict. As the movie suggested, there were three people who had the most individual effect on the battle: King Leonidas of Sparta, King Xerxes I of Persia, and the traitor Ephialtes . Leonidas and Xerxes I obviously commanded their respective armies and provided most of their strategy, but Ephialtes had a different role. He was a Greek citizen who betrayed the Spartans and led a segment of Xerxes I's army through a hidden pass at Thermopylae to outflank the Spartans.

The Battle Of Thermopylae's Outcome Explained

In broad terms, 300 depicted the end of the Battle of Thermopylae faithfully. After Xerxes I used Ephialtes' hidden path, the Spartans lost control of the Hot Gates and thus lost their positional advantage . Leonidas then called a War Council, during which many of the assembled forces decided that retreat was the only option. Leonidas and the Spartans, however, decided otherwise (via Encyclopedia Britannica).

However, as the majority of the Greek army retreated, Leonidas, his 300 bodyguards, some helots (people enslaved by the Spartans), and 1,100 Boeotians remained behind, supposedly because retreating would defy Spartan law and custom.

Interestingly, there were far more than 300 troops who remained at the Hot Gates. There's also quite a bit of contention about what exactly Leonidas' goals were in holding the pass. Some scholars believe Spartan law truly did forbid retreat, others argued that the law came as a result of Leonidas' actions, and others still posited that Leonidas was simply providing a rearguard so that the majority of his forces could retreat without being run down by Persians . In any case, the Battle of Thermopylae ended with a Persian victory as Leonidas and his remaining forces were killed, though they suffered tremendous losses themselves.

The Spartan defeat at the Battle of Thermopylae then caused the Athenians at Artemisium to retreat, as they were providing naval support for the Spartans and no longer had a reason to hold the pass. After the Greek retreats, the Persians would make considerable headway into the Greek mainland, eventually pillaging and burning Athens. After that, Xerxes I wanted to end the war quickly after suffering devastating losses at Thermopylae and Artemisium, and he attacked the Greek fleet where they retreated, at Salamis . The Greeks were able to decimate the Persian fleet there, and the Persian invasion ended just a year later.

How Accurate Was The Battle Of Thermopylae In 300

Broadly speaking, 300 got the gist of the Battle of Thermopylae correct. The major moments of the battle, from the Spartans' defense of the Hot Gates to Ephialtes' betrayal and Leonidas' decision to stay back, were faithfully recreated. 300 also includes glaring historical inaccuracies in the name of creative liberty, though. For example, Ephialtes did not have any birth defects, there were far more than 300 Spartans who stayed behind and died at Thermopylae, and many parts of Spartan society were exaggerated or idealized .

It's also worth noting that the two main primary sources detailing the Battle of Thermopylae - Herodotus and Diodorus Siculus - offer contradictory accounts of the battle. In a way, there is no one agreed-upon and well-defined account of the events of the battle, simply due to the passage of time.

There are also smaller inconsistencies in 300 , like the fact that Xerxes I didn't actually send any messengers to Leonidas; his father, Darius I, did. The famous " This is Sparta! " line would have taken place 10 years prior, when Darius I's messengers were killed . Even with those glaring historical inaccuracies, though, 300 serves as a fairly faithful retelling of the Battle of Thermopylae. The balance between telling a good, dramatized story and offering a faithful account of history is a hard one to find. 300 may not have been a perfect account of the Battle of Thermopylae, but it was an entertaining film.

Sources: Reed University , Encyclopedia Britannica

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Loosely based on Frank Miller's comic series of the same name, Zack Snyder's 300 tells the legend of the historical battle of Thermopylae. It follows King Leonidas of Sparta (Gerard Butler) as he leads a small force of 300 Spartans against the amassed Persian army of 300,000. Meanwhile, his wife Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey) remains in Sparta to negotiate reinforcements against political resistance.

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