my mother makes me doing my homework so i can't go out

Dear Therapist: My Mom Won’t Stop Pressuring Me to Get Better Grades

I’ve wanted to address this with her for a while now, but I’m afraid she’ll scold me.

Dear Therapist,

I’m 14 years old and I’m having problems with my mom. She constantly nags me about my grades not being high enough, even if I have gotten the highest in the class. She also keeps telling me to go out and run or to eat less to lose weight. I am heavier than some of my friends, but I’m not overweight. I remind her that my weight is fine because I’m strong and I dance a lot, but she doesn’t listen to me.

Even though she wants me to get top grades, when I study instead of going out and exercising, she criticizes me for being lazy. I study a lot, and I have a lot of hobbies, like making videos, singing, dancing, and much more. But I never have time for any of these, because I’m always being forced to work.

I’ve been wanting to address these issues with my mom for a while now, but I’m afraid I will be scolded by her. What should I do?

Dear Anonymous,

I’m glad that you reached out, because so many teenagers feel exactly as you do. They’re experiencing extreme parental pressure but believe that they either can’t or don’t know how to address it. And it absolutely should be addressed.

I can imagine how stressful and confusing these messages from your mom are, and how unpleasant these interactions must be. You say she doesn’t listen to you, so let’s think about why that is, and what might help her to hear you better.

Maybe we can start here: In her mind, she’s simply doing her job as a parent. If I were to ask her why she’s putting this kind of pressure on you, she would probably say that it’s because she loves you deeply. She likely believes that getting top grades and maintaining a certain weight lead to a happy, fulfilling life, and she feels she’s helping to guide you to that future. She might even believe that what you consider pressure is well-meaning “parental guidance,” and she may be baffled by what she considers your lack of appreciation for her attentiveness and care. All of this makes it hard for her to hear you.

What she doesn’t realize, however, is that she’s showing her love in a way that doesn’t feel loving, because it leaves you feeling unseen, anxious, and inadequate. For instance, instead of respecting your desire to engage in your interests and delighting in the joy they bring you, she devalues their relevance. Instead of showing pride in your academic achievements and how hard you work to earn them, she insists that you work even harder. Instead of admiring your beauty in a body that gives you strength, she urges you to become smaller. And perhaps most frustrating, she sets you up to disappoint her: If you study, you aren’t exercising enough; if you exercise, you aren’t studying enough. No matter what you do, you can’t please her.

The good news is that it’s not your job to please her. Nor is it your job to get the highest grades or have the slimmest body. Rather, the work of a healthy human is to learn how to please yourself—not your mom, your teachers, or society’s idea of what a woman’s body should look like. It’s to figure out what matters to you and to focus your energy in those directions. For you, what matters may be balance rather than undue stress, learning rather than a letter grade, growth rather than perfection, self-defined beauty rather than a rigid aesthetic, creativity rather than a constrained existence. Let those values be your north star.

So: back to your mom. Somewhere along the way, likely in her own childhood, a certain kind of achievement and appearance became very important to her. Maybe her parents put the same kind of pressure on her that she puts on you—but unlike you, she acceded to it without examining the consequences. Or perhaps her parents didn’t pay much attention to her at all, and she wished dearly for parents who were as invested in her “success” as she is in yours. I put success in quotes because for whatever reason, she long ago developed a definition of success that you are wisely questioning. If you get the highest grades but the cost is stress, depression, anxiety, and a feeling of never being good enough, that might not be a healthy definition of success at all. If you lose weight but end up going to sleep each night hungry, weak, irritable, and insecure about your appearance, that also doesn’t seem like the kind of “success” you should aspire to.

Up to this point, you and your mom have been arguing about her rules, but the real conflict—and the one you need to discuss directly—is the difference between your value systems. It might help to write your mom a letter so that you can express yourself clearly and without interruption, and explain to her what your value system is. You might start out by saying that you appreciate how much she cares about your well-being, and that you know she believes her efforts are for your benefit.

Then you can explain that even so, if her goal is to raise you to have a fulfilling life, the way she’s trying to help is actually making it less likely that this will come to pass. Let her know that you feel constantly stressed and overwhelmed, not because you’re a poor student, but because this intense focus on getting the best possible grades is interfering with the process of actually learning. Feel free to include some research on a growth mindset, which leaves room for making mistakes and learning from them, as well as studies on the positive outcomes associated with intrinsic motivation (meaning, an inner desire to learn) over extrinsic motivation (grades, parental approval). As for her comments about your weight, tell her that you’re happy with your appearance and appreciate having muscles that give you strength to dance well, and that you find her comments to be damaging and hurtful. You can also share that her expectations are creating resentment in your relationship, because when she is fixated on perfection, you start to feel that her love and acceptance are contingent on performance.

You might end the letter by explaining that the greatest gift she can give you as a parent is the freedom to be who you are—and to be embraced for it—and that you’re someone who works hard and does your best, but who also has many interests and who values making time for relaxation and fun. Tell her that it’s okay with you if she chooses to live her life differently from yours, but that it also needs to be okay with her for you to choose to live differently from her—because ultimately, you will anyway. And not only will you become a more whole human being if she supports you in this, but the two of you will have a much stronger relationship, both now and in the future.

Hopefully your letter will open up a different kind of conversation that will help create more understanding between you. And if it doesn’t, you might consider reaching out to a guidance counselor or another adult you trust for support in helping your mom to broaden her perspective. Either way, clarifying your values and advocating for yourself will be a learning experience you can’t put a grade on: Nobody gets to live your life for you.

Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.

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Relationships

These familiar catchphrases still sting as an adult.

While it might not be immediately obvious that your mom is toxic, experts say there are key phrases and go-to comments that might give her away. Things like “Why don’t you just grow up?” or “I never said that” might ring a bell. And if it’s an ongoing problem, it can start to affect your relationship with her — and how you feel about yourself.

According to therapist Danielle Forshee Psy.D, LCSWe , a toxic relationship can be defined as “a dynamic between two or more people where emotional needs generally go unmet because of issues that have nothing to do with the other person.” It can also quickly turn into emotional abuse in some cases.

There’s a good chance your mom is toxic if she consistently makes you feel bad about yourself and your choices, says Elliot Pinsly, LMSW , a licensed clinical social worker. Whether it’s intentional or subconscious, “a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered,” he says. As a result, it can leave you feeling depressed , unsupported, and alone.

While toxicity is bad in any form, it’s especially biting when it comes from a family member. It can be tough to cut people off, but often the best course of action is to create firm boundaries.

If your mom’s toxicity is unfixable and unbearable, there’s no shame in moving further away, speaking less often, or even going no-contact . It might also help to reach out to a therapist, mentor, or friend for support. Here are 25 signs your mom is toxic, according to experts.

1 “I never said that!”

If your mom predictably yells “I never said that!” whenever you bring up one of her hurtful comments, consider it a sign of toxicity.

According to Pinsly, toxic moms love to gaslight by insisting they never said something, even when you’re 100% sure they did. “The goal is to make you question your reality and shift blame,” he says.

It’s a sneaky trick that helps them get away with saying whatever they want without repercussions, and it can be incredibly confusing and frustrating.

2 “Why can’t you just get over it?”

According to professional counselor Rachel M. Abrman, MA, LPC , this type of comment is hurtful and toxic because it leads you to question whether your feelings are accepted or respected.

This response is incredibly invalidating and can also make you feel alone in your feelings. Toxic moms rarely take responsibility for their actions, so this might be a phrase you hear all the time.

3 “You’re just like your grandmother.”

Is your mom constantly comparing you to a difficult or unsavory family member, like a cranky uncle or a dramatic grandmother?

If so, she’s likely trying to deflect blame or manipulate you into thinking you’re the one with the problem, says Pinsly.

By comparing you to someone with grisly personality traits, she’s likely hoping to make it seem as if you’re the bad guy — and that’s not fair or OK.

4 “You need to grow up and deal with it.”

If you try to talk to your mom about something stressing you out, you might not expect her to say, “Oh, grow up.” But according to Abrman, that’s exactly what toxic moms like to do.

This is a surefire way to shut down a conversation, especially one she probably doesn’t want to have. Chances are she knows exactly why you’re upset, but she’s hoping to brush it under the rug so she doesn’t have to listen, change, or show up for you emotionally.

5 “This is your fault.”

If toxic moms love anything, it’s pointing fingers. According to licensed marriage and family therapist Sara Stanizai, LCSW , it’s common for toxic moms to blame their kids for their own mistakes and bad decisions.

"This puts [you] in the position of being responsible for [her], when really it should be the other way around,” she says. If things go wrong and your mom blames you, all signs point to toxicity .

According to Jessica Bloom, LCPC, RPT-S , a therapist and owner of In Bloom Counseling , toxic moms also like to say things like “You’re making me act this way” or “You’re the one who made me upset.”

This is a go-to tactic that again shifts the blame from her to you, and it also implies that if you had only acted better, you wouldn’t be fighting.

6 “Don’t tell your dad...”

Secret keeping is another toxic mom red flag , says Stanizai. By asking you to keep a secret from your dad or your siblings, it creates an unfair dynamic and an unhealthy amount of pressure.

If your mom asks you to lie for her, try pointing it out or saying no to the request. Hopefully, she'll realize that it's inappropriate to put you in the middle of her problems.

7 “Why didn’t you do better?”

Your mom should be your biggest cheerleader, not your biggest critic . So if you’re constantly wondering, “Why is my mom never proud of me?” or “Why does my mom want me to be someone I’m not?” it may be time to step back and reevaluate your relationship, Stanizai says.

It’s possible your mom started this toxic behavior when you were in school, but it’s not uncommon for it to continue into adulthood as you share career and other life milestones with her. Either way, it always feels awful when a parent negatively reacts to big moments.

8 “Where were you last night?”

According to clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, Ph.D. , things can get toxic fast when a mom refuses to accept that her kids are autonomous adults who can make their own decisions.

While a parent is always a parent for life, you have to draw the line somewhere — and that’s something many toxic moms struggle with. A toxic mom might call at all hours, demand to know where you are, or panic if you don’t answer the phone on the first ring.

According to psychologist Dr. Danielle Forshee, PsyD, LCSW , if this is true, chances are your mom had a bad case of " helicopter parenting” when you were younger, and it’s morphed into clingy behavior now that you’re grown.

Demanding to know where you are is toxic because it stops you from becoming your own person, she says. It’s important to spread your proverbial wings and create your own life, but with a toxic mom that can be difficult.

9 “Why do you spend so much time with them instead of me?”

While on the subject of boundaries, consider if your mom ever guilt trips you for seeing your friends or partner instead of stopping by to see her.

If she wants your social life to include her, that's a major red flag, and there's a word for this, too: enmeshment . "Enmeshment is when your mom has difficulty allowing you to have your own life outside of her," Forshee says.

This might also show up in your mom making you feel bad for not visiting on a holiday. Regardless of your closeness, you need to have your own social space and schedule. If she can't accept that, it may be something to unpack with a therapist.

10 “You’re my best friend!”

There is nothing wrong with being close to your mom, but take note if she seems to be leaning on you too heavily as a friend. "Instead of a mom developing her own friends and support network, [a toxic mom will rely on you] to fulfill these needs,” says therapist Julie Williamson, LPC .

It can be exhausting, and it’s also not a role you’re required to fill. If it seems like your mom’s entire life circles around you, encourage her to get out and meet new people. It’ll be good for both of you.

11 “So last night in bed...”

Another thing to watch out for is if she major-league overshares. While everyone has a different comfort level with their parents, experts say it’s a red flag if your mom calls and shares all the nitty gritty details of her dating life, sex life, etc.

If you’re getting "cool mom" vibes (hey, Amy Poehler) it’s OK to set a boundary by letting her know that you love her and enjoy talking about certain things, but certain topics go a touch too far.

12 “You should break up with them!”

Since she’s on the outside looking in, you might want to listen if she says your partner is toxic or not a good match. But beyond that, she doesn’t have a right to demand you break up with someone . According to Klapow, toxic moms tend to poke and prod and offer advice as a way to overstep your boundaries, and it’s not something you have to put up with.

13 “You’re so dumb sometimes!”

This one might seem obvious, but for a lot of people, it can be tough to tell when insults are actually harmful — and not just playful fun.

As Klapow says, the parent who scolds or verbally berates you is 100% toxic, even if they try to pass it off as a joke. And it can also blur the line between annoying parent behavior and an actual problem.

“It becomes emotional abuse when there is character assassination or put-downs that continue despite your attempts at communicating how it affects you,” Forshee adds. If it feels like your mom is attacking you, know that your feelings are valid.

14 “You’re way too sensitive.”

Similarly, toxic moms love to tell their kids that they’re being “too sensitive.” This comment immediately shuts down any hope of a civil conversation, and it’s also something they can hurl back when they don’t know what else to say.

In fact, therapist Dawn Friedman, MS.Ed says this is yet another sign of gaslighting . “In healthy relationships, people will listen to you when you have a problem with the way they’re communicating ,” she says.

On the flip side, toxic moms like to control the narrative, and one way to do that is by claiming you’re overreacting or being ridiculous. Just like that, she can brush you off and shut you down.

15 “Well nobody else has a problem with it!”

Take note if your mom claims her actions are fine and normal because “no one else has a problem with them.” According to Friedman, a parent should care about your individual experience , even if it’s perceived to be singular. Not to mention, this kind of comment is almost always an excuse for a toxic mom to get off the hook for rude behavior.

16 “Why can’t you just be more like your sister?”

Comparing siblings — whether the comparison compliments you or throws you or a sibling under the bus — is often said to pit you against your other family members, says Friedman. And it’s all on purpose.

These comments are meant to contribute to “ toxic gossip dynamics .” Your mom’s goal might be to get you on her side so she has backup during family arguments.

Of course, at its most basic, this comment can hurt your self-esteem, especially if your mom compares your appearance, success, or intelligence.

17 “I’ve given you everything!”

The thing to remember is that, even though your mom “put a roof over your head,” it doesn’t automatically mean everything was perfect or that you don’t have a right to discuss problems from the past.

“She may have literally been there for you in some ways, but not in the ways you have needed,” Pinsly says, and it’s crucial you don’t let her mix up the two.

This comment is meant to make you feel guilty so you drop whatever it is you’re trying to talk about. That way, she won’t have to admit she messed up or sit and listen as you call out her flaws.

18 “Why do you always make everything about you?”

This comment is pure projection, says Pinsly, and it’s important to see it that way.

If your mom is constantly claiming that you make everything about you, or that you turn everything into an argument, chances are that’s what she’s doing — even though she likely isn’t capable of seeing it that way.

“ Children of toxic parents are often scapegoated [and] blamed for their parents’ own behaviors,” says Pinsly, and it can create quite a rocky dynamic.

19 “Ughh...”

Sometimes toxic comments go beyond words. If your mom lets out a long sigh or a guttural noise whenever you try to talk to her, it could be her way of shutting you down.

If it happens regularly, it can start to feel quite toxic. If she sighs or goes quiet until you go quiet or give in to her demands, consider it a red flag. The toxicity stems from the bad energy and the fact that she isn’t using her words.

20 “How do you expect to find a husband?”

According to Topsie VandenBosch, LMSW , a licensed psychotherapist, this question is a fave of toxic moms everywhere. It might come out as a form of body-shaming, where she comments on your appearance, but she also might knock your personality or skills — and her reasoning is anyone’s guess.

Not only is it toxic to imply that you’re unlovable or that you’re only worthy if you find a partner, but rude comments about how you look can obviously be a big hit to your self-esteem.

Toxic moms don’t stop there, either. According to therapist Rachel Goldberg, LMFT , they might also imply that your looks or personality could push away friends. She might say something like, “Wow, I hope you don’t act/dress that way in public.”

Not only do comments like these imply that you’re flawed, they also teach you to hold back and hide yourself. As Goldberg says, “It may create fear or anxiety around being authentic and open with others, leading to difficulties in social interactions and emotional well-being.”

21 “I sacrificed everything for you and this is how you repay me?”

“These types of comments are what I would call ‘guilt-tripping’ and can result in a person feeling like they are eternally indebted to their parents just for simply being born,” says VandenBosch.

Many toxic parents are unable to hear critiques without immediately blurting this out. They might also wield it when they’re trying to get their way. How could you say no when they remind you they “sacrificed” everything for you?

There’s no talking to someone who feels this way, as any reply will further prove to them that you’re ungrateful.

22 “I don’t know why I bother giving you advice. You just do what you want anyway.”

This one will have you rubbing your temples for sure. According to VandenBosch, insensitive comments about your ability to make your own choices can fill you with self-doubt. It can also imply that you need to take your mom’s advice 24/7, which obviously isn’t true.

23 “Okay, well I guess I’m just a bad mom!”

According to Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, ATR-BC , a licensed marriage and family therapist, this comment is so common coming from toxic parents that you might not even register it anymore.

If your mom is upset, she might blurt it out to get you to feel guilty or stop talking, which can be incredibly frustrating.

It might stem from her issue with black-and-white thinking or her lack of desire to have a conversation.

Toxic parents tend to feel attacked quite easily, even when they’re being approached gently. In this case, this comment might stem from her bad relationship with her mom , but that doesn’t make it OK.

24 “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Another super dismissive remark is the classic “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“Whenever someone says this, it’s a form of pseudo-apologizing that doesn’t address the heart of the hurt feeling,” says Bloom. “This can be done as a way to quickly end conflict but doesn’t demonstrate taking responsibility for their actions.”

25 “I don’t remember that happening...”

Brace yourself if you ever try to talk to your mom about something that casts her in a bad light. According to therapist Audrey Schoen, LMFT , toxic moms love to misremember things, whether it’s something that happened a week ago or ten years in the past.

“This one can come in many forms,” she tells Bustle. Your mom might say she doesn’t remember saying something hurtful or claim that you’re misremembering and she’d never do such a thing. The goal, of course, is to give her a moral high ground.

“[The toxic mom] can do no wrong,” says Schoen. “These kinds of comments make it risky to share just about anything, [since you’ll] always be wondering if you will be judged.” It can also make you feel incredibly lonely since it makes it clear your mom isn’t on your side.

If it feels like you can’t be yourself, share your thoughts, or have a civil conversation, chances are your mom is toxic and you’ll want to establish boundaries, chat with a therapist, or speak to her less often — for your own peace of mind.

Having a toxic relationship doesn't have to mean you should cut your mom out of your life. But recognizing any of these behaviors in your relationship with your mother might be an indicator that you should prioritize putting work into making the relationship more balanced and healthful. Boundary setting, open communication, and even family therapy can help. You deserve to do what's right for you, and not have your mother breathing down your back years after you've left home.

Studies referenced:

Fosco, GM. 2014. Interparental Boundary Problems, Parent-Adolescent Hostility, and Adolescent-Parent Hostility: A Family Process Model for Adolescent Aggression Problems . Couple Family Psychol. doi: 10.1037/cfp0000025.

Kong, J. 2018. Effect of Caring for an Abusive Parent on Mental Health: The Mediating Role of Self-Esteem . Gerontologist. doi: 10.1093/geront/gnx053.

Elliot Pinsly, LMSW , licensed clinical social worker

Rachel M Abrman, MA, LPC ,licensed professional counselor

Danielle Forshee, PsyD, LCSW

Julie Williamson , LPC

Sara Stanizai , LCSW

Joshua Klapow , PhD

Dawn Friedman , MS.Ed

This article was originally published on June 13, 2018

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#HowToRaiseAHuman

Your turn: when parents push too hard ... or not enough.

Nurith Aizenman

As a parent, did you ever push your child in ways you now regret – or not push enough? Or when you were a child, did you ever feel pushed too hard or not enough?

What We Can Learn From Ghana's Obsession With Preschool

These were the questions we posed to you, our audience, at the conclusion of our story highlighting a troubling situation in Ghana: Parents in the capital city of Accra are putting their kids in strict, academically focused preschools at ever younger ages – but tests suggest most kids aren't actually learning much. And when the government tried an experimental training program to get teachers to shift from call-and-response drills to a play-based approach, the results were hugely promising — until the moms and dads started getting involved. The researchers say the parents' anxious inquiries about their children's progress may have caused teachers to revert to the stricter, but less effective style.

About 'How To Raise A Human'

Does raising kids have to be stressful? Is it really dangerous for babies to sleep with Mom? Do chores have to be a fight? For this series, NPR travels around the world for ideas to make parenting easier. Sign up for NPR Health's newsletter to get the stories delivered to your inbox.

All of which points to a dilemma of parenting: Sometimes a parent's determination to give a child the best possible start becomes the very thing that gets in the way.

How has this challenge played out in the lives of NPR's audience? Your answers ran the gamut. A mother of four regrets pushing her older two children — but found her footing with the youngest two. A former foster child explains why his grandparents' no-excuses attitude proved his salvation. An Indian immigrant mother recounts that in her family each successive generation of parents has reversed the approach of the one before – swinging like a pendulum between pushy and relaxed.

Herewith a selection of responses, edited for length and clarity – and with some names withheld at the writer's request to protect their family's privacy.

"You don't want to be a doctor? Then become an engineer. Done!"

As a young girl growing up in India my parents expected me to become a doctor. Once in middle school, I confessed that I didn't like biology and that I would hate to be a doctor because I would have to perform surgeries. Their response: "You don't want to be a doctor? Then become an engineer. Done!" My parents never considered that I just might want to be something else. "Oh no!" they would say. "Everything else is a risk." So I became an engineer and I loathed it. The minute I went abroad, I switched fields. Now, I work in global health. I earn little but I am content. And I have a peppy daughter who is in preschool and is awash with possibilities. My partner and I let her dream about what she could become — not the other way around.

— A nonymous

"I wish my parents could have seen what [my brother] was good at."

I grew up as a second generation Chinese American, the first of four kids. When I was young, my mother drilled me in spelling and math and helped me with my homework. But after elementary school I never received any pressure or help. My parents were too busy with the younger three. I excelled in school nonetheless because I genuinely enjoyed learning. Meanwhile my parents pushed my brother hard because he was the first son in the family and did not do well academically. I wish my parents could have seen what he was good at (working with his hands) and encouraged him to try different routes besides the academic path. I have a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old now. I just want to instill in them a love of learning because that's something they can carry with them for the rest of their lives.

— Tiffany Cheung

"I wish I'd had just one person tell me that help was available."

As a young child I loved reading and learning, and by the third grade I was placed in accelerated classes. But when I started to struggle with math, my teachers and parents (who were teachers themselves) were mystified. I was one of the "smart kids," and everything else came easily to me. So I was kept in the accelerated classes, not offered tutoring or testing, and just expected to struggle through. Doing math homework brought me to tears nearly every night. I became deeply ashamed of how hard math was for me, and I worked hard to hide my failing grades. In high school I developed test anxiety and had a panic attack in the middle of my AP statistics test. In college I never took math classes despite wanting to be a biological anthropologist. But recently, I helped fundraise for a free math tutoring program. I wish I'd had just one person tell me that help was available rather than pushing me to stay in advanced classes that made me feel like a fraud.

— Anonymous

"I still feel guilty for watching TV."

I was the kid everyone is trying to raise: 4.0 GPA, extracurricular activities, college scholarship. I read early and well above grade level. My parents never pushed me explicitly but it was little things. In the eighth grade my mom stressed about my science project because, she said, it might impact my college admissions. So I knew that anything less than perfect was in some way a failure. I did fine academically but struggled in other ways. Socially I'm still way behind. It's taken years to relax enough to have hobbies, and I still feel guilty for watching TV or playing computer games (though never for reading). Now I have a young son, and we're sending him to a private school precisely because it does not have homework. I don't want him in the pressure cooker. If he wants to be college-bound, he will have my support and encouragement. If he wants to be a plumber, that's okay too.

"A hard lesson for this mommy."

When my oldest son was in first grade I nearly destroyed his self-confidence over the times table. I myself had been an A-student and never struggled with learning. So I simply couldn't understand why my child couldn't master the times tables. I would make him practice for hours with the microwave timer. Several years later, when my next oldest – his sister — was actually failing fifth grade, I lost it. It was a hard lesson for this mommy to realize that my unrealistic expectations were setting my older two children up for failure. My oldest told others he was just stupid. My daughter was severely depressed. There is a happy ending. I realized I was the problem. It was an adjustment, but I learned to be the parent my children needed. When it came to the younger two of my four children I did not place the same kind of pressure on them. The happy ending: All my children went to college and are well-adjusted, happy adults. And I constantly remind their parents to let my grandchildren have fun!

— Robin Borrows

"Reading whatever I jolly well pleased."

My father gave me a huge gift in the form of a thirst for information. So when I should have been doing homework I was reading whatever I jolly well pleased. For my entire adult life, I taught high school, always trying to spark the approach I learned as a little kid: There's so much stuff you'd really love to know that I can't give you. Get yourself going on your own at what grabs you and use this school stuff just to back that up.

I'm now 88, and only last night I got a call from a boy I taught 51 years ago. He has just retired as a teacher and said he used to tell his students that school is not for today's assignment but to show you how to learn what you want to know. No pressure. If you don't do what we're doing, let me see what you did on your own. This was my father's message.

"I learned how to do for myself."

After bouncing around in the foster care program for a few years, I was taken in and raised by my grandparents. I was smart and tested well, so I made good grades all throughout elementary and junior high. But I stumbled when I hit high school because I didn't know how to study. Both of my grandparents were very "education first" types. I had behavioral issues and was in trouble often. Nothing major, but the principal's office was a familiar place to me. My grandfather had never graduated high school, but he could do addition, subtraction and multiplication in his head faster than I could with a calculator. He and my grandmother both pushed me to "buckle down, shut up and learn" when I was in school. The teachers also pushed me to succeed. But I don't feel like that was a bad thing. It kept me from being lazy. I learned how to do for myself and not to depend on someone else to do for me. I am a manager now and I see the education level (or lack thereof) of people coming in for jobs. So many display a lack of drive and curiosity — and an apparent inability to think abstractly — that makes me wonder about our ability to problem solve in the future.

— Tommy Little

"They just dumped us into the school system and hoped for the best."

Both of my parents came from poor Mexican families. My father only made it to second grade and my mother to high school equivalent education. When my siblings and I went to school, we didn't get pushed to do well in school by our parents. They just dumped us into the school system and hoped for the best. The schools and teachers didn't have that many resources and my parents never had dreams for us of further education beyond high school. They couldn't imagine it, and so I didn't either. It took the military and friends (who came from higher resources) to give me a push toward higher education. After the military, at a Texan university, I consumed knowledge as I'd never done before.

— Rebecca Rainear Wills

"A pendulum"

I think with kids and parental pressure, it's a bit of a pendulum. My husband and I grew up in India. My husband's grandparents had pushed his parents hard on academics — to the point of resentment. So this may be why his parents did not push him much. My parents also did not push me very hard. They did not have to. I always got good grades in school. So now we push our kids a bit more than our parents pushed us. My kids complain a lot about my pushing them. So I am sure they will not be as pushy when they get to be parents.

"Letting go of the outcome"

Our middle child has mild intellectual disability. We cannot predict her future outcome, and it taught us so much about trying to predict the future for our other children. I think parents pressure their kids because they have an expectation of how they should "turn out." But we often don't bother to ask where those expectations came from, or whether they are reasonable. Our son was struggling in a few areas, and I realized we were talking about it with catastrophic language. "He'll never succeed if he doesn't..." "He'll never hold a job if he can't..." We suddenly realized that we were talking about future outcomes with no idea of the milestones between here and there. What are the steps between 11-year-old boy and 21-year-old man? Letting go of the outcome and focusing on what's appropriate for the here-and-now changes our whole approach for the better.

"When you twist a bolt too hard."

Sure I push my kids. It's part of the learning process — not just for them, but for me too. But how to know when to stop? Ah, that is where the tire meets the road! When you twist a bolt too hard, you know you are going too far. Same with your kids. When pushing them to achieve, and the outcome is starting to be less positive, OK, time to ease up. But that doesn't mean someone else, such as a sports coach, can't push harder and get better results. The difference and the most important thing to remember is that your kids need you to be their parent first and foremost 24-7. When demands for achievement interfere with the parent-child relationship, that bolt you are trying to twist is about to snap. Then it's time to look that fantastic kid in the eye and say, "This isn't working too well, is it? Let's just goof around for a while. Bet I can make a funnier face than you can!"

— Jeff Deutschle

11 Ways to Deal With a Critical Mother

"my mother doesn't respect me and i try so hard.".

Posted June 28, 2016 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

Dear Dr. G,

I am sure that my mother loves me, but I just don't understand why she doesn't show it in other ways like I see my friend's moms do. I always pushed it out of my mind, but it has gotten to the point where she is the only person in my life that can make me cry so hard and make me feel as worthless as I do.

Growing up, I was never one of the kids that told their mom everything. I was always so jealous when my friends said they told their moms everything, even about boys. Whenever I did try to talk to her, she would counter me and not comfort me but tear me down. I just never understood because I didn't think she was trying to. Additionally, it always bothered me that I would cry and sob in front of her and she would just ask me angrily why I was crying and why I couldn't stop.

She never really trusted me, and let me go out with friends but not if she didn't know every detail. I have never drank or done drugs. (I'm 16.) I have no intention of getting high or drunk as a high schooler, and my grades are great. I have all As and A-s, and she will tell me "good job!" and sometimes, "I'm proud of you. Keep it up." And then almost always ask how my friends did. And that was IT. But when I got a bad grade, she would be SO disappointed and rant forever. I felt (and feel) worthless even though I try my hardest. But then OCCASIONALLY she would only be slightly upset if she knew I tried my best. But she never ever said, "It's okay" or "I'm still proud of you for trying."

Multiple times, she has told me I need to work out more. Once, it made me so insecure because she told me my thighs were getting too big. I have very low self-esteem already, and struggle with anxiety . I am active, I work out and play sports. I'm 5'2 and 110 pounds, and I would say I'm skinnier than many people I know.

She yells at me probably every other day for something. For little things I've never heard other people's parents get mad about. For not putting my shampoo back in the right spot in the bathtub. For not washing my dish (after eating; a SINGLE dish). For not recycling a container. I've never heard her say, "Thanks for doing the dishes" or even, "You remembered to do the dishes. Good job."

Over the years, I've put up with this. Accepted that I'm luckier than most people. Been grateful that my dad loves me and treats me with respect, and is always proud of me and always wants to talk to me. I love my mother, and I think she loves me but at the same time doesn't care to show it. Now, what drove me to sobbing uncontrollably for the first time in a few months happened today. She basically told me she didn't think I had morals or was a good person. (I think I'm a moral person. I always apologize first, thank people for the little things, and try to make others smile.) Then she told me MY attitude needs to be fixed. I cried in front of her for the first time in months, hating myself for it. I apologized and said I respect her. She didn't believe me. She accused me of lying , saying there's no point if I have that attitude. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't confront her. Every time I try I end up heartbroken with my self-esteem lower. My dad never knows who to side with, and my brother is never home (college). I just can't understand if she really loves me and if she does why she can't respect me but expects me to respect her.

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. Your situation sounds very upsetting and you, like everyone else, deserve to have a mother who is the leader of your fan club. Unfortunately, what happens instead is that your mother criticizes and tears you down, leading you to question yourself and, in turn, to poor self-esteem. This happens because we tend to internalize our mother's views of us. True? If your mother says it then we feel it may be true. Also true?

We all internalize what our parents say to and about us but I want you to know that there is another way to think about things. Your mother is a critical and perhaps angry woman and appears to lack the skills to be warm, supportive, and soothing. Consider that your mother may have a lot of unresolved issues. Perhaps she was raised like this. That would be unfortunate. Nonetheless, understanding your mother doesn't necessarily make you feel better.

I have a number of suggestions for you and I hope that you find at least one or two helpful.

1. Please try to focus on the respect and support that you get from your father.

2. Be aware that at 110 pounds and 5'2" you do NOT have a weight issue. I would hate to see you develop an eating disorder because of your mother's inappropriate comments.

3. Keep in mind always that your mother clearly has issues of her own. This does NOT mean that she doesn't love you. It may mean, instead, that she doesn't know how to express her love.

4. When your mother criticizes you try very hard to remind yourself that this says more about her than about you. Perhaps she dislikes herself.

5. It is unlikely that your mother will change and begin to appreciate you. Keep this in mind when you hope for recognition and acceptance.

6. Begin to learn to appreciate yourself. Make a list of your strengths and positive qualities. Also, give yourself permission to make mistakes. This is part of the human experience. We all need to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and get back into the game of life. Disappointment is okay but tearing yourself down is not.

7. Begin to practice tuning out your mother's harsh critiques without letting her know that you are doing this. Develop a mantra that you repeat in your head like, "My mother is way too critical." Perhaps after you have done this for a bit you will not get as upset when she criticizes you.

8. Remind yourself that you will leave the house at some point to live on your own or go to college and that you will no longer have to hear your mother's criticisms so frequently.

9. Perhaps you can "borrow" your friend's mothers or other female role models. Clearly, it would be helpful to have other supportive women in your life. Also, set up a social support network around yourself which can include friends, teachers, etc.

10. Promise yourself that you will not become critical toward others the way your mother has been toward you. Work on being compassionate and supportive toward others. This will not only make you and those around you feel good but what goes around comes around. You may begin to experience the same sort of compassion from others. Keep an eye on your anxiety and mood if you ever feel overwhelmed.

11. Keep an eye on your anxiety and mood. If you ever feel overwhelmed by depression and self-hatred , please seek therapy . It can be very helpful.

Good luck and please get back to me.

Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of adolescents and their well-intentioned but exhausted parents.

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

7 Ways to Stop the Parent-Child Power Struggle Over Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Do you find yourself in full-on homework battles most nights of the week? It’s no surprise that most children and teens will dig in their heels when it comes to doing schoolwork. Think of it this way: How many kids want to do something that isn’t particularly exciting or pleasant? Most would prefer to be playing video games, riding their bikes or driving around with friends, especially after a long day of school and activities.

As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under her control.

The underlying truth here is that you and your child might already be caught in a power struggle over this. Like most parents, you probably want your children to do well and be responsible. Maybe you worry about your child’s future. After all, doing homework and chores are your child’s prime responsibilities, right? Let’s face it, it’s easy to get anxious when your kids are not doing what they’re supposed to be doing—and when you know how important doing schoolwork is. And when you believe you are ultimately responsible for the choices your child makes (and many of us do, consciously and unconsciously), the ante is upped and the tug of war begins.

Nagging, Lecturing and Yelling—But Nothing Changes?

If you’re in the habit of threatening, lecturing, questioning your child, nagging or even screaming at them “do the work!” (and trust me, we’ve all been there), you probably feel like you’re doing whatever it takes to get your kids on track. But when you’re in your child’s head, there’s no room for him to think for himself. And unfortunately, the more anxious you are, the more you’ll hold on in an attempt to control him and push him toward the task at hand. What happens then? Your child will resist by pushing back. That’s when the power struggle ensues. Your child, in essence, is saying, “I own my own life—stay out!” Now the battle for autonomy is getting played out around homework and chores, and exactly what you feared and hoped to avoid gets created.

This is very aggravating for parents to say the least. Many of us get trapped into thinking we are responsible for our child’s choices in life. As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under their control. This is because you will need your child to make those good choices—do the work—so you will feel that you’re doing a good job. Your child’s behavior becomes a reflection of you. You are now at your child’s mercy as you trying to get him to do what you want him to do so you can feel validated as a good parent. Your child does not want to be taking care of your emotional well-being, so he will naturally resist.

When kids are not following through on their responsibilities, it can easily trigger a number of feelings in parents. Note that your child did not cause these feelings, but rather triggered feelings that already belong to you. You might be triggered by a feeling of anger because you feel ineffective or fear that your child will never amount to anything. Or you might feel guilt about not doing a good enough job as a parent. Here’s the truth:  You have to be careful not to let these triggered feelings cause you to push your kids harder so that you can feel better. One of the toughest things parents have to do is learn how to soothe their own difficult feelings rather than ask their children to do that for them. This is the first step in avoiding power struggles.

Why are power struggles important to avoid? They inadvertently create just what you’ve feared. Your child is living his life in reaction to you rather than making his own independent choices. Learning how to make those choices is a necessary skill that develops self-motivation.  How can you avoid ending up in these battles? Here are 7 tips that can really help.

1. You are not responsible for your child’s choices

Understand that you are not responsible for the choices your child makes in his life. It’s impossible to take on that burden without a battle for control over another human being. Measure your success as a parent by how you behave — not by what your child chooses to do or not do. Doing a good job as a parent means that you have done all that you can do as a responsible person. It does not mean that you have raised a perfect person who has made all the right choices. Once you really get this, you won’t be so anxious about your child’s behaviors, actions, and decisions. You will be able to see your child from objective, not subjective, lenses and therefore be able to guide their behavior, because you’ll have seen what he actually needs.

2. You cannot make someone care—but you can influence them

You cannot get a person to do or care about what they don’t want to do or care about. Our kids have their own genetics, roles, and ultimately their own free will. So focusing on getting your child to change or getting something from her will not work long-term and will most often turn into a power struggle. What you can do is try to influence your child using only what is in your own hands. For example, when it comes to homework, you can structure the environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done.

3. Think about the “fences” you’d like to create for your child

Take charge of your own best thinking and decisions rather than trying to control your child’s. Pause, think and decide what fences you want to create for your child. What are your bottom lines? Know what you can and can’t do as a parent. Recognize that what will make the biggest difference to your child (and helping him become a responsible kid who makes good choices) will be learning how to inspire him, not control him. Building a positive relationship with your kids is your best parenting strategy. Children want to please the people in their lives that they have loving feelings toward. You cannot ultimately make them accept your values, but you can inspire them to do so. Getting a child to listen to you is primarily about setting up the conditions under which they choose to do so. In order to do this, make a conscious effort to sprinkle your relationship with more positive interactions than negative ones. Hug, show affection, laugh together, and spend time with one another. Point out your appreciations most instead of constantly correcting, instructing, teaching, yelling, complaining, or reprimanding.  Don’t get me wrong, you need to correct and reprimand as a parent. But make a conscious effort so that every time you do this, you will follow it with many positive interactions. The human brain remembers the negatives much more than the positives. Most kids will be happy to listen and be guided by the people in their lives who they like and respect.

4. Should you give consequences when kids don’t do homework?

Parents always ask whether or not they should give consequences to kids if they don’t do their homework—or instead just let the chips fall where they may.  I think you can give consequences, and that might work temporarily—maybe even for a while. Perhaps your child will learn to be more responsible or to use anxiety about the consequences to motivate themselves. You can’t change someone else, but consequences might help them get some homework done. You can’t “program” your child to care about their work, but you can create a work environment that promotes a good work ethic. Kids who regularly get their homework done and study do better throughout school and overall in life.

5. How structuring the environment can encourage studying

Again, you can’t make a child do anything that he doesn’t feel like doing, but you can structure his environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done. When your child’s grades slip, or you find that he’s not getting his work in on time, you are automatically “invited in” to supervise and help him get on track. You can make sure that for certain periods of time, he will not be able to do anything other than schoolwork. The rule is during that time, no electronics are allowed—just homework and studying. By doing this, you are providing a structure to do what your child probably can’t do yet for himself. The hour and a half that you set aside should be a time when you will be around to enforce the rules that you have set. Give a fixed amount of time and once that time is up, your child is free to go elsewhere, homework done or not. Stay consistent with this plan, even if he fights you on it. This plan will accomplish the possibility that your child will get some homework done and maybe over time, create some better work habits. That’s all. This plan should be in place, whether or not he has homework. He can read, review or study if he doesn’t have any during that time. Let him know that these rules will change when his grades begin to reflect his potential and when you are not getting negative reports from teachers about missing homework. When he accomplishes this, tell him you will be happy to have him be fully in charge of his own homework.

6. Parents of Defiant kids

 Extremely defiant kids who don’t seem to care about consequences really try their parents. Some of these kids suffer from ADHD, ODD, learning disabilities, emotional issues and many other issues. Defiance has become a way for them to try and solve their problems. With defiant kids, parents need to be very cognizant of working to develop positive relationships, no matter how difficult. Above all, work to avoid getting pulled into a power struggle. Your child will need many more learning opportunities and more rewards and negative consequences—and more time to learn these lessons than less defiant child. And if nothing changes, and your child continues to be defiant, you must continue to work on your own patience and be thoughtful about your own bottom line. Most important, continue to love your child and keep showing up.

7. Your simple message to your child

Be clear, concise and direct. Your simple message to your kids, which does not require lectures or big sit down conversations is, “Your job is to take care of your responsibilities, which includes getting your homework done and helping out in the house. That’s my expectation for you. Once you’ve done that each day, you are welcome to do what you’d like.” Remember, as a parent your job is to essentially help your child do her job.

Related content: What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled from School “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over School Work

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Frustrated mom This is by far the very worst parenting advice I have ever heard. Can it be anymore vague and general? There’s literally nothing in this article that deals with actually doing homework! In fact it is more so a guide on things that most parents already know and should More be doing! The other part of this article is basically saying that you should allow your child to be their own authority. Do kids not need to learn to obey rules in today’s world? A lesson in life is that your children aren’t always going to be given a choice and when they are given a choice, it doesn’t mean they’re going to like any of the possible outcomes. Allowing them to think they have a choice in order to circumvent basic responsibilities is completely and utterly counter productive! I had to do homework when I was a kid whether I liked it or not! I knew this even as a small child. Children historically do not make the best decisions on their own. There’s a reason we have an age where it’s considered by society that you’re officially an adult. Until children reach that age, they don’t have a choice!

I am a special education preschool educator. Yes, I do send homework home for the following reasons:1. It starts good habits relating to reinforcing skills taught at school.

2. It allows me to educate and inform parents on what skills children need to be learning.

3. Some skills need more effort to be learned- such as name writing.

4. I want my kiddos to have a headstart and school is important! Homework is a way of getting kids ahead.

Hands down- my kiddos who learn skills at home- for example "economics homework" are more likely to master this skill when taught at school AND at home! It helps! Trust me! and all kiddos undergo assessments when entering kindergarten and often it is considered a predictor in success for the year!

georgeesmith Very methodical, can give a try to make it possible :)

lisakelper9 Sounds good but very hard to implement in reality. But still its a good attempt.

JackRusso1 I disagree with this as a whole. This person has no idea what children are really like. Children are stressed a lot, nagging them won't help. They don't want to talk about homework at home because then the parent asks irritating questions. It's not that they don't care, it's that More they need to do things on their own. When a parent is constantly on their backs the child gets stressed out. In my eyes, few parents understand this. Believe it or not...I'm 13 and I can do better then you. This isn't a helpful list of tips, it's a list of how to make the situation worse!

Oh my goodness!   This all sounds very charming but has no real application!  

Let me give you my scenario of raising a "Defiant" child:

Our homework structure is that she work at her well organized desk...quite charming in fact.  

She is expected to work 15 minutes per subject which is a grand total of an hour and 30 min.

No tech unless all work is complete and no matter what, no tech before 6:30 pm.

Down time for reading (which she loves) is after homework and her home chore is done.

we have a rewards currency.  We have a consequence system.  

Guess what?  It is not that simple.  She will waste her time "studying" so we require her to log notes on what she is reading so does not just sit and stare at her books for an hour and a half (which she will do).  We periodically check her log as she is working and help review info.  Again...quite charming.

She is failing most of her subjects because she does not bring ANY assigned work home.  None.  And then she lies about the work that we track down.  

She is not internally nor externally motivated. 

Sometimes a child is not emotionally mature enough to handle things like this and their brains are unable to really connect action and consequence.  Sometimes you need to let your child fail.  I hear from her teachers "I have no idea what to do with _________"  My response is....there is nothing YOU can do.  Only what ______ can do and she chooses not to.

A child who is unable to focus on learning is focusing on something else instead.  For my daughter it is the undying need for acceptance....peer acceptance.  So how to retrain the brain is tough.  Wish me luck because THERE IS NO ANSWER!  THERE IS NO FIX!

I often wonder about the value of homework. While I appreciate the article and noted some key takeaways here that will be very helpful to me, such as "Learn how to inspire, not control" and "Measure your success as a parent by how you behave"...I often find myself yelling at my seven year old angel because she just doesn't have an interest in learning..and then I spend the rest of the night disgusted with myself for being angry with her. She is the sweetest, most lovable little girl filled with street smarts. But she's behind in school, slow with reading, and fights me constantly with her homework.

I stepped up over the summer and had assignments all summer long so she could hopefully catch up. But little has changed. She continues to have no interest, which I interpret as lazy. She would much rather watch Netflix or play; something I try to balance. I wasn't a great student in school but I did love homework. I hated the "institution" and rebelled against control. But I've managed to make a good life for myself because I've been highly motivated, driven and disciplined. My concern is she doesn't seem to have those traits...yet. It might still be too soon. However, I struggle to push too hard (contrary to how it sounds) because I'm a big advocate of work-life balance.

She is busy all day with school and activities and the idea of having her do more when she gets home before she rests, plays or unwinds, seems like corporal punishment. Yes. And I'm not dramatic. But really? I get the importance of establishing a good work ethic. However,  I work all day. When I get home, I'm tired. I take a break before I tend to house chores. Nothing gets neglected but I pace myself. I also take home work but that's done later in the evening, after I've tended to my family AND had some down time. Don't kids deserve down time too?

I hate putting this pressure on my child, yet I know the pressure she feels being a slower reader, struggling with phonetics, etc. is as great if not worse. I can see her as a very successful person later on because she has very strong social skills and a kindness that far surpasses most of the other kids I've seen. But I struggle with finding that balance between pushing academics and just letting time prove itself. I am a big advocate of moderation and balance, yet I really struggle with applying that value in today's academic world which starts as young as kindergarten!

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• 1. The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework
• 2. What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled From School
• 3. "My Child Refuses to Do Homework" — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork
• 4. Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker
• 5. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
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Yes, You Can Opt Your Kids Out of Homework—Here’s How

When Juliana Porter thinks about the feeling that homework induces, one word comes to mind: dread.

“The subject we’ve found to be the most challenging is math, in large part because strategies and ‘show your work’ are often required to get correct answers,” says the North Carolina mom of three. “But as parents who are not in the class to learn new methods, we’re not able to help. Or we can help, but it’s not the correct method being taught and adds to our child’s confusion.”

The Porter family’s experience isn’t unique. Research published in the Child & Youth Care Forum found more than 25% of parents and kids say homework “always or often interferes with family time and creates a power struggle.” And according to an additional study conducted by a Stanford researcher, 56% of students surveyed say homework is a primary source of stress.

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While many families do their best to help their children complete homework with as little frustration as possible, my family has chosen a different option: to simply skip it. For four years, my family has totally opted out of homework, which I’ve learned doesn’t produce enough benefits for the stress it causes. And I want other parents to know that opting out of homework is an option for their kids, too.

Homework: How to Opt Out

If your child goes to an open admissions public school, opting out of homework can be something you consider. While it may be a particularly good choice if homework is causing major household stress, you don’t have to wait until your child is miserable to act if they (or you) would simply prefer to spend the time in other ways. There are no legal requirements that students complete work outside of school hours and, for many children, the actual determinants of homework outweigh the theoretical benefits.

How I Opt My Kids Out of Homework

To opt out, I send a note to each of my children's teachers at the beginning of the year letting them know that my child will not be completing homework, that their overall grade should not be impacted, and that they should not be penalized in any way for not turning in homework assignments.

I also let them know that we're committed to our kids' education, that we read together most evenings, and that, if my child is struggling or needs extra support in any subject, we're happy to brainstorm solutions to help them get the practice they need.

Opting out has worked well for our family but implicit bias might mean that other families don't receive the same neutral or positive reaction that our white family does. 

"Many historically marginalized families never consider opting out of homework, even when they know that it's not meaningful," says Sequoya Mungo, PhD , an educational equity consultant and co-founder of BrownLight Inc. , a company helping to create positive diversity and inclusion results in educational, nonprofit, and corporate environments. "When white families make these types of educational choices, they are viewed as forward-thinking and as advocates for their children's education. When non-middle class and non-white families opt out, the assumption is that parents don't value education.” 

According to Dr. Mungo, coming with research or policy can be helpful as even some school level administrators are unaware that opting out is within your rights as parents. “The more prepared you are, the more likely you are to not be met with pushback.” 

Why Families May Want to Opt Out of Homework

Since homework is so prevalent, many assume it's vital, or at least important, to kids' academic growth. But the reality is murkier. "There's really no good evidence that homework completion positively impacts kids' academic growth or achievement," says Samantha Cleaver, PhD , a reading interventionist and author of Raising an Active Reader: The Case for Reading Aloud to Engage Elementary School Youngsters . 

A 2006 meta-analysis of homework and achievement found moderate correlation in middle school and little correlation in elementary school, while there was negative correlation (that is, more homework means less learning) in third grade and below.

While research shows homework can help high school kids improve grades, test results, and likelihood of going to college, the reality is academic pressures in the U.S. have increased over the last two decades, and so too has the amount of homework that kids are assigned. The National Education Association (NEA) recommends no more than 10 minutes of homework per night per grade level, but that's often not what's happening.

Excessive homework can negatively impact sleep, mental health, and stress levels . It’s also important to note homework is an issue of equity, since not every child has the same opportunities at home.

"When kids are doing work in school, the classroom environment serves as somewhat of an equalizer,'' says Dr. Mungo. "Kids have access to the same teacher and generally the same resources within the classroom setting. At home, kids have different environments, different access to resources, and different levels of support." This means kids with less support and more challenges often end up getting lower grades or being penalized for not turning in work for reasons totally outside their control.

Parents who don't want to be the only ones opting out can work to change the homework culture at their school. Consider reaching out to your principal about your homework concerns or connecting with other parents or the PTA to help build support for your cause.

And if you do opt out, don't be shy about letting other parents know that's what you've chosen to do. Sometimes just knowing there is an option and that others have opted out successfully can help families decide what's right for them.

What to Do With the Extra Time You're Not Doing Homework

When Porter thinks about what a life without homework would be like, she envisions a much more relaxed evening routine. “I imagine a scenario where my kids can do their after-school activities , read more, get outside, and generally just decompress from the daily eight-hour grind that is school,” she says.

If you opt out of homework and find your family with more time for other sorts of learning, leisure, or adventure, be thoughtful about how you’ll structure your new routine and talk with your kids about the value of doing nothing, the importance of family time, or how to spend their time in ways that matter to them.

And if you want to be sure they're getting in some valuable post-school learning, consider repurposing your previous homework time to reading with your kids. "Reading aloud has benefits long after your kids can read on their own," says Dr. Cleaver. "Encourage them to choose books about subjects they're interested in, snuggle up together, and enjoy watching them learn through active reading."

But reading isn’t the only way to reap benefits. "There are lots of things that kids can do after school that will positively impact their growth and development that don't involve sitting down to do more of the work they've done at school,'' says Dr. Cleaver. " Time to decompress through play or relaxation isn't just fun, it actually helps kids' brains and bodies relax, making them more open to learning."

Homework and Children in Grades 3–6: Purpose, Policy and Non-Academic Impact .  Child Youth Care Forum.

Nonacademic Effects of Homework in Privileged, High-Performing High Schools .  The Journal of Experimental Education

Suitable Homework Boosts Highschool Learning Effects . World Journal of Education.

How much homework is too much? National Education Association.

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How to Get Out of Doing Homework

Last Updated: March 4, 2024 Fact Checked

wikiHow is a “wiki,” similar to Wikipedia, which means that many of our articles are co-written by multiple authors. To create this article, 111 people, some anonymous, worked to edit and improve it over time. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources. This article has been viewed 287,308 times. Learn more...

Sometimes you just can't get it together and finish your homework. Maybe you had a concert or a game after school and you were too tired to think when you got home. Maybe you ran out of time, or you fell asleep early. Maybe you just had something way better to do! This article will give you ideas for how to get your parents off your back about doing homework and convince your teachers you have a perfectly good reason why you didn't do the assignment. Plus, learn techniques on how to make it look like you made an attempt at your assignment, but life, fate, or technology got in the way. Just don't make a habit of it, or your grades may suffer.

Making Excuses to Your Teacher

• Notice how your teacher reacts when other students forget their homework to gauge how much you can get away with.
• Notice if your teacher collects homework or usually just walks around and glances at your worksheet to make sure you did it.
• Try to get an idea of what your teacher likes. If they have pictures of their cat everywhere, you may be able to use that to your advantage later by telling them your cat is very sick or had to be put down and you were too devastated to finish the assignment.
• Remember that your teacher probably got into teaching because they are passionate about their subject. Participate in class as much as possible: if they believe you love history, too, they're probably more likely to be sympathetic later.
• Find out how much homework counts toward your final grade. If homework only accounts for 20% of your grade and you ace all your tests, projects, and class participation, you might be able to get by without doing homework and still get a decent grade.

• If your teacher expects you to email them your assignment, ask them the next day if they got your email. When they say they didn't, act confused and explain that you definitely emailed them and that you can't believe it didn't go through. They probably can't check to see if you are lying and will probably give you an extension.

• Claim the death of a family member. Make it someone close enough that it would affect you, but not so close that the teacher will find out about it. A great aunt or uncle works as they tend to be older. There is also no limit on the amount of great aunts and uncles you have, whereas with grandparents there is a limited number of times you can use that excuse. Plus, you don't want to tempt karma by saying your grandma died unexpectedly.
• Say that you are having a private family issue and you don't feel comfortable talking about it, but you can't do the homework.
• Tell your teacher your pet died. But be aware that if your teacher happens to be having a conversation with your parents and says something like "Sorry about the dog!" they may find out you were lying.

• Tell the teacher you were in the bathroom when they assigned the work and you completely missed that you had homework. However, if your teacher has a good memory or writes homework on the board or on a school website, there is a high chance this will not work.

• This works best if you are somebody who rarely gets sick(maybe once or twice a year) then you will be more trustworthy if you appear sick.

• If you do this too often your teacher will stop being sympathetic, so make sure it only happens once or twice.

Making It Look Like You Did Your Homework

• If your teacher walks around the class checking for homework, but doesn't take it in, write your homework page and task at the top of some random notes you have for that class. If they're not attentive, they won't notice.
• If they are attentive, try to distract them by asking a question related to the subject or show them a word in the textbook you don't understand.

• Say you must have left it on your desk/in the car/on the bus and ask if you can turn it in at the end of the day. Then you can quickly do the assignment during lunch.
• Be smart when pretending to be upset that you lost your homework. If you usually slack off and don't do your homework, it may seem odd to the teacher when you suddenly worry about not having your homework.

• If you cheat on writing based homework, paraphrase it so your teacher can't tell that you cheated. Also, think about how you usually perform in class. If you don't usually do well in class on homework and tests, your teacher could get suspicious if you get all the answers right. So to be smart, get some answers wrong on purpose.
• Try asking one friend for answers to questions #1 and #2, then another friend for the answers to questions #3 and #4, and so on until the assignment is complete.
• Assemble a study group and let them work out all the answers.
• If you have a friend who owes you a favor, tell them this is how they can repay their debt.

• Bring in a blank flash drive and swear to your teacher you saved it to the drive and you don't know what happened.

• Go into File Explorer and find the file you want to make corrupt. Right click over the file and select 'Open With...', then select Notepad. Once the file opens in Notepad you should see a really bizarre document with gibberish. Click anywhere within the document and type something random in it, disturbing the flow. After this just save and submit. When your teacher opens it, it will show up an error.
• Do not select "use application as default" when selecting Notepad after File Explorer step or else all word documents (.docx) will automatically in Notepad showing gibberish.
• Create a blank image in Paint and save it in .bmp format. After that, forcefully change its format into .doc (right-click and hit Properties), and change the title to the name of your homework assignment. Now, when you try to open the file in any text viewing program, it will show up as a broken file. Send it to the teacher, and if they ask you the next day, just say sorry about this inconvenience and promise to send it this evening. Now, you have an extra day to complete your homework.

Convincing Your Parents

• So your parents check your history? Easy. If you have the Google Chrome browser, you can use Incognito mode. This will not track your history at all. Press ctrl+shift+N at the same time to open an Incognito tab. Remember to close all Incognito tabs before you go back to doing your homework.
• Remember ctrl + w closes a window with one tab without prompt, so it is the perfect way without downloading Firefox and certain add-ons to use the computer without parent's knowing anything of your exploits.

Community Q&A

Tips from our Readers

• Try to sound very stressed about not finishing your homework. Try to only skip homework when you really need to. It might be obvious that you're not trying if you never do it.
• Try to be honest when you get caught. If you lie and get caught, you might be in bigger trouble.
• Remember: in most cases, it is unlikely your teacher will excuse you from doing the homework altogether, even if these tactics work. Go into it thinking they will give you an extension and you will have time to catch up on your work without it impacting your grade. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
• Homework is there to help you. In the long run, not doing homework will impact not just your report card but your future. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
• Avoid lame and common excuses. These excuses have no effect, so don't even try to use them. Avoid "I forgot" and "My dog ate my homework" kind of excuses. Using long, boring excuses may make the teacher just dismiss it and tell you to turn it in tomorrow. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0

You Might Also Like

• ↑ https://edinazephyrus.com/how-to-fake-sick-successfully/
• ↑ https://corrupt-a-file.net/

About This Article

If you weren't able to finish your homework, there are a few good excuses you can use to keep your teacher off your back. You can blame technology and say your computer or printer broke. If you needed the internet for your homework, say your internet went off for a few hours. Pretending you forgot your homework isn't the best excuse, but it sounds better than admitting you didn't do it. Search through your bag and pretend to look for it, then tell your teacher you must have left it at home. To make it more convincing, see your teacher at the beginning of class and say you had a busy week and forgot to do the homework. You can even tell them you had a family issue. Teachers are unlikely to call you out for being sick, so try going to the nurse before class and telling them you feel sick and you can’t go to class. For more tips, including how to get out of your parents making you do homework, read on! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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How to Stop Your Mom from Giving You Extra Chores

Last Updated: February 26, 2021

This article was co-authored by wikiHow Staff . Our trained team of editors and researchers validate articles for accuracy and comprehensiveness. wikiHow's Content Management Team carefully monitors the work from our editorial staff to ensure that each article is backed by trusted research and meets our high quality standards. This article has been viewed 27,997 times.

Nobody likes to do chores. They are boring, hard, and take up your time from doing something more fun. Parents give them to their kids so they can learn the meaning of hard work and can contribute to the household, but sometimes it can be too much. If your mom has been giving you extra chores, you can try getting her to stop. Impressing your mom and politely talking to her about the chores can help her stop giving you so much work to do.

Talking to Your Mom

• Say, “Mom, do you have a minute? I wanted to talk to you about something.” [1] X Research source

• Say something like, “Mom, I know you work really hard for me and I really appreciate that, but I was wondering if I can have a few less chores.” [2] X Research source
• Stay calm. Don't scream or cry or whine. [3] X Research source

• Say, “Is there a reason you have been giving me extra chores lately?”

• For example, “Mom, I was wondering, if I get an A in math this term, can I stop doing the dishes on Sundays?”

• Say something like, “Mom, I know hard work is important, but these extra chores have just been too much. Is it possible to cut down on my chores so I have more time for homework, soccer, and my friends?”

• Say something like, “Mom, can I please start vacuuming for my chore instead of mowing the lawn?” or “Can I just do chores on weekdays and not on weekends?”
• Ask for an allowance as a compromise. This way the chores still get done but you will have more incentive to want to do them.

Impressing Your Mom

• Make sure to do the chores that are your personal responsibility, such as taking care of your pets or doing your laundry.
• Take the initiative to do your chores before your mom has to nag you about it.

• You can succeed in school by taking notes, listening, asking questions, studying, and reading. [5] X Research source

Expert Q&A

• Be polite and stay calm when you are asking about the chores. Thanks Helpful 4 Not Helpful 1
• Impress your parents and show them that you are a hard worker. Thanks Helpful 4 Not Helpful 0
• If you stop doing your chores or do your chores badly to try to get out of them, you will likely get into trouble. Thanks Helpful 3 Not Helpful 1

You Might Also Like

• ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hanaan-rosenthal/advice-for-teens_b_2037523.html
• ↑ http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/articles/heres-how-convince-your-parents-let-you-do-something
• ↑ https://www.ohe.state.mn.us/mPg.cfm?pageID=1173

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Identify the error in each sentence. Write the corresponding letter A, B, C or D on the answer sheet. My mother makes me doing my homework so I can't go out .

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Nicole grew ____ from the hours of overtime at work. It became quite ____ that she needed a long vacation.

Rewrite the sentences, using the nouns in brackets and a to-infinitive so that the new sentences have the closest meaning to the given ones. that he decided to take part in the contest surprised all of us. (decision) ................................................................................................................................................................, mark the letter a, b, c, or d on your answer sheet to indicate the word whose underlined part differs from the other three in pronunciation in each of the following questions., listen to a sports news program. decide if the following statements are true (t) or false (f). you will listen to the recording twice. diego garcia played well last year., my wife is going on her business next week so i have to ____ most of the chores around the house., we have worked on this programme for five years. (started) .........................................................................................................................................................

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